Can someone give me advice on how to communicate with my husband without him thinking I am ';bitching'; at him?

My husband and I have been married only 3 months. We have had several disagreements during this time. I know we are going to do that with just having started a marriage. We usually get thru them fairly good. But now it is getting to where we ';talk'; about the stuff that is bothering us so much that it is coming between us more than it is helping. He says I am always ';bitching'; and looking for something to get upset about. I used to get mad and make hateful comments in arguments out of hurt and anger. I have worked on that. I have done real good about not doing that lately. He always said If I would come at him a little more calm and speak to him nicely he would respond a lot better to what I am saying. Well, now it seems like that isn't working either because if we talk about the same problem over and over and over and it isn't getting better, then I am going to naturally keep talking to you about it. Well now even if I am talking calmly, I am ';bitching'; too much. So I don't even know how to handle our problems. He said if I can't quit bitching then I am going to make him want to leave. Well, that's not what I wanted. So now I don't know. I don't want to even discuss anything with him anymore because it is to the point if I can't say anything positive then he just don't want me to say it. So can anyone give me advice on how to communicate with my husband without having to walk on egg shells?Can someone give me advice on how to communicate with my husband without him thinking I am ';bitching'; at him?
I suspect one of the things happening here is a classic symptom of just being newlyweds. Everyone says ';you have to pick your battles'; but I never knew what that meant until I was married. In other words, when you get angry about something, first - take a deep breath, don't just react and secondly, ask yourself whether or not this one annoying habit takes away all the good things he does for you. You have to choose wisely about the things you decide to have serious talks about because men only want to hear about the BIG thing....otherwise, they see it as nagging or they just stop listening. Think of it this way: you remember the story of the boy who cried wolf? The town people got so sick of him yelling out that when he actually needed help, they didn't believe him. Well, talking about serious issues is similar in a marriage. When you choose to constantly discuss every little thing that bothers you, then the guy can't define for himself what is the BIG thing worth listening to versus the little annoying thing that isn't a big deal. So, when you really NEED him to listen, he doesn't because he's grown so used to you nagging about everything. Does that make sense?





Here's my advice based on experience:





1) Sit down by yourself %26amp; really think about all the issues you've been fighting about then make a list of the ones that are TRULY a big deal to you - these are things that can be marriage breakers....like him being controlling, or him demeaning you, or him not treating your family well. These are big deals that can put a huge wedge in your marriage.





2) Once you've decided on what's really important to you, make a conscious decision that you won't bicker about the little things....instead, if he does something annoying, just breath, then ask him NICELY %26amp; respectfully to do it. He's absolutely right about one thing - guys do NOT respond well when a woman just starts shooting criticisms at him with an acid tongue.





3) When you DO want to have a serious talk with him, make sure to be thoughtful in your timing %26amp; tone of voice. When my husband %26amp; I were engaged, I had an awful habit of bringing up serious topics right before we were going to hang up the phone for the night (he lived an hour away). This would be around 10:30pm and he had to get up at 4am! So, finally he said ';if you want to talk about something serious, let it either wait until I get up there so we can talk face to face or let's discuss it at the beginning of the phone call';. You see....I wasn't being very thoughtful of the fact that he truly did need to get to sleep %26amp; by the time I was bringing this stuff up, he wasn't really going to listen. So, you have to bring something up when your man is in an ok mood and has time to listen. The time to bring it up is NOT when he's just come in from a hard day of work %26amp; has just told you he's had the worse day ever.





4) Have 1 serious talk with him after reading this just so you can tell him how you've decided to behave %26amp; communicate from now on....get him on the same page. He'll appreciate that you're going to be more thoughtful of him %26amp; will understand where you're coming from. He'll also know that when you DO want to talk about something serious in the future, that's his cue to LISTEN because he should know that it's something BIG at that point.





Finally - just learn to appreciate your husband. It will lessen his flaws significantly if you CHOOSE to see his good attributes before constantly going to the negative. It's good to ask yourself ';will this really make a difference when we're both 60 years old?'; If the answer is no then leave it....life is just too short!Can someone give me advice on how to communicate with my husband without him thinking I am ';bitching'; at him?
Seems you can't win either way! your husband sounds like a pansy, tell him to stop making a big deal over every little thing and get on with it.
How about once a week have a time maybe 30-60 minutes where you both get a turn talking about what things could be better or different.





No blaming is allowed, no yelling, no bad language....just things that you both think would make the relationship better.





After the time is up....you kiss and then stop the discussion unless you BOTH want to continue.





Then you do it again the next week.
Probably anything you complain about is going to be seen as bitching...he set you up in a way to make it seem he wants to help but really he doesn't.





No offense, but you probably are addicted to b1tching.





Problem is we can't accept things as they are and try to change the partner. You need to be responsible for your own happiness and take care of number one, you and let him do the same


You are stuck in old fashioned mentality where you are relying on your husband actions to make you happy.


You are set up to fail then in this day and age where people are becoming like the movie idiocracy and very arrogant.





You know if he were to have an affiar, you know how love is in the beginning, girl puts man on pedastal and overlooks those red flags and man thinks she's great. Of course man is behaving more.





Troule in marriage, we become like the negative parts of a mother.





Think about this and work on liberating yourself





You know the saddhus in India with their begging bowls? They learn to eat whatever is placed in to learn detachment





Your ego can keep wanting to eb right or change another, but it'll be trouble


Accepting, or more so making your own life happy regardless of another, is not easy...we always hope to find our true soul twin where we are on the same page...sorry, but you may bot have that perfect love, so make the best of it
i know how you feel, that how things were with me and my ex.





maybe he is stressed over something at home or at work? talk to him and ask if something, other than being newly married is the problem. if its the new marriage thing, just point out that things arent going to get better by him not wanting to listen and just saying all you do i ***** about things. go on a date and act like you did before you got married, maybe hes getting cold feet - too late.
The problem here is that what us women say is ';reminding'; is considered ';bitching'; or ';nagging'; by men. Usually these ';reminders'; are things your husband does not want to do. So like a child is just hoping it will go away.





Solution? Don't give a darn. ';Remind'; him no more than two time. After that, do it yourself or let it go.





I saw a show where two psychologist married to each other got in a fight. He was mad because she was ';nagging'; him to get out of bed and get ready for the show they were going to do. He wanted to wait until the last minute. She wanted him up so they could discuss the script of the show before they went on. Who was right? Was he really going to be late for the show? Maybe she should have told him why she wanted him up and ready.





My husband actually asked for a divorce because I ';nagged'; too much! I obviously starting not giving a crap if things got done or not and stopped ';reminding'; him of things. ';Auhhhhh';, he said, ';Thanks for not ';nagging'; any more, I think I will stay';.





Ever see a bachlor's pad? A mess! Why? Because there is no one to ';nag'; them to take care of crap.
this is soooo funny, we got into an argument this past weekend about the same thing. Oh, I'm a guy 56, married to my wife 36 yrs now. we were going on an interstate and my wife all of a sudden says ';Slow the F down, and get off their @ss. I said why all of a sudden did ya just blurt that out like that? She says ';How can I nicely say slow down and stop tailgating'; ya know shes right. I knew she was digging her finger nails into our leather seats and pushing on the floor like a brake, but I didn't slow down. oh well to get to your answer. I DON'T FRIGGIN KNOW.


I think when we are at work, all we here is bitching and complaining all day and when we get home, thats the last thing we wanna hear. Sounds like at least you understand you are partially in the wrong, and you are working on it though. Maybe if you aren't already, say hello and give him a hug when he gets home, and maybe ask him if he had a good or bad day. We are pussy's like that. Maybe when he does something you feel like bitching about, ask him how he wants you to do it or ask him why he does that. even though you've only been married 3 months, sounds like you need your first getaway. Not a ton of money, just a walk someplace, and don't forget the snack basket, we love it when you bring food, and toys. maybe go someplace in the woods where you can get naughty, you owe him, hehehhe, hey I'm a guy. You asked, hehehehe.
1 simple truth about men is if you see something as a problem and they dont and even though you have informed them how the issue effect's you they will deem it as *bitching* , there's no escaping it , you can improve yourself by changing the way you approach him but as you have done and you've seen it's made absolutley no difference , the reasoning behing that is he just doesnt care , I know how you feel my 2nd husband was the same he deemed everything I said to him as me treating him like a 2 year old child , our issue was sex and the lack of it , we did it maybe once every 2 week's or once a month depending if he remembered he wanted it or not ,if it's the same thing over and over he's bored with it so maybe you need to re-look at the issue and ask yourself why this issue is such a big deal?





Does it concern him drinking to much ? using drugs ? money ? sex ? anger ?





If the issue is something you can not resolve is it really worth arguing / discussing so much? is it time to just drop it ? let it go ? .





He's a male it's just how they deal when they dont like situation's / discussion's they arent comfortable with ......
You mention that you talk about the same problems over and over but nothing changes so you repeat the conversation... again. Are you listening to your husband during these conversations without throwing in blame? Are they about what you want to change or what you both agree needs work? Are you compromising anywhere? Often times when women keep bringing up topics like you mention it's because they believe that their solution is the only way the issue can be resolved. They're not happy until they've beat a man down to the point at which he caves. If you're doing this then you're destined for a lifetime of this with your husband. If he doesn't feel that you'll work with him and compromise, he'll tune you out until he reaches a breaking point. Communication is a two way street. You have to not only speak, but listen as well.
May be you need to get your hormone level checked? Wouldn't hurt.





We chicks do tend to bit*h. we don't mean to, but do.


Maybe let the problems slide, sense their really not a problem. I mean u haven't came to a conclusion so let them go.


Being married now, may make you feel that respnsibliites are more of a thing than before. Just cause we're a wife, doesn't make us all grown up and have to be so critical.






I think a good question here would be.. what are you fighting about??? Some advice that my mom gave me and it has worked because when we first moved in with each other we were fighting a bit and now we barely fight. So the advice she gave me was don't sweat the small stuff. When it comes to cleaning or him leaving his socks on the floor or not changing the roll of toilet paper. its really not worth the fight. So before you get all worked up about something ask yourself if its worth it?? does it really matter that much? Its hard to live with someone but you have to understand that no one is perfect. there is going to be things he does or doesn't do that make you angry. You have to learn to pick your battles.. Hope this helped. Good luck.