Any Ideas on how to help make his transition easier on him?.
We have two kids, one is only 18 mnths so does not really know daddy the other is 4.
Any previously deployed males, what helped you transition?Husband coming back from deployment in 3 mnths transition advice?
What kind of deployment?Where was he sent? And what branch of service?What is his MOS?
All these questions i asked effect what kind of advise i give you for your question. I need more information.
update:
Give him his space, don't overwhelm him. He is going to want to be alone and hang mostly out with his buddies who were there with him. Let him. But also let him know that you are there for him. It is best to keep the kids from overwhelming him as well.
Things to look out for are suicidal thoughts, Substance abuse/ too much drinking.
It might sound harsh but I have alot of experience from returning Vets from Vietnam growing up and Iraq.Husband coming back from deployment in 3 mnths transition advice?
The miltary offers transition classes for families. I suggest you try to attend the class. How long was he gone? 12-15 months?
Try not too push too many things on him, like- ';oh, you are the man of the house..you need to do this and this....';.
Ease his transition back to the ';world';. Let the kids get to know their daddy at their pace...don't push them. They will come around...just give it time.
Basically, show him that you love him and how much you love him by just being there for him. Tell him that you love him and you support him and that you are proud of him.
I agree with taking the class in transitions if you can get to one. I know our FRG made sure we had at least the mini version of it at one of our meetings before the boat DH was on came home. It really can help.
The biggest thing to do is to talk to him as much as you can about the plans. His ideas of the perfect homecoming may be totally different than yours. I know some guys who preferred to have just their wife meet them while others preferred to have the wife and kids. If anyone else is planning to come (cousins, siblings, parents...) make sure he knows and wants them there before they make plans.
The second biggest thing is be flexible. Sometimes things change at the last minute so be ready to change your homecoming plans quickly.
Make sure he knows the kids will have changed. I know you'd think that would be obvious when he's been gone for so long. But some guys are really hurt when their kids act odd around them when they get back. If he expects a bit of that up front then it tends to be easier.
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
i have met my husband 3 years ago and its been hell since we got close. he had several dating pages, was married at the time (didn't know, met him overseas) and after many months i found out he was married, he got divorced, but he still slept with her whenever he went to ';see'; the kids. yes, i know, a guy like that is pretty bad anyway. on top of that he had internet relationships with other women going on. from the time i met him, i suddenly lost my self esteem, felt that if only he values me and finds me beautiful, then i am. i dont like him as a person, he is bad for me, in fact he is not a good person and threatened to kill me and got very abusive with me, but i dont want him to have anyone else. he has the power to make me feel ugly, i will try my best to be pretty for him, because thats so important to him. i dont want this, i want to leave and am getting counseling right now. any experience?
i know this all sounds crazy and it is...i am losing my mind.
please no rude comments. i am very lonely, dont have any friends, family or support in this country so its hard enough.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Sounds like he was using you especially if he was sleeping with his x wife. It only says things that hurt for the very same reason it gets to you and so you will only stay with him to use you even more. If you allow a person to abuse you, you don't have any respect for yourself and allowing it makes him have even more disrespect for you. I would turn the table, don't listen to what he says to you, love yourself. I would start stashing some money away. Open up a bank account with your name only another bank not the one your using now, and keep putting some money away. Hopefully you have a job, if not nows the time to start looking, wait until you have some plans in place. But if he is abusive it will only get worse. Don't leave high and dry, go get yourself a good attorney and file for divorce. Your safety is the most important thing. This guy is a user abuser and you deserve better.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Hi there.
It does not sound good to me...I must say.
According to your saying it looks like he is only using you for his needs, and your marriage are only valid on the papers. You sounds young and I understand that have no friends or family to speak to.
If I were you I would go to a social worker in my town, explain her the situation as it is (I did not like the part of abusing , this is the most important thing you should think about!) , she will guide you to the right people who will assist you in this matter.
No woman on earth should feel like you or be in your situation. Your relationship (if we could call it this way) is wrong from the core and needs to be change immediately.
He will never change for you and will continue his ways for ever. It is cleared that he does not respect you what so ever, or has any inside connection to you. He is using you for his needs and no more than that.
It is sad to hear it and I feel sorry fro you , but YOU are the only one that can help to yourself !!!
First you need to understand that there is no chance to this relationship at all and you need to walk out of it ASAP.
Then you need to learn to respect yourself as you are! You are the centre of your world and if you don't take care of yourself , no one will do it for you.
Respect yourself, believe in your powers, stand for your tights and take action! Don't just stand there and look how your life goes to hell!
I assume there are no kids there since you did not mention kid at all, but if there are kids there - then you should do it for them!!!
I wish you all the best and hope you will have the power to do the right thing! God bless you!
About abuse…How are you affected?
* Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
* Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
* Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
* Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
* Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
* Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
* Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
* Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
* Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
* Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
* Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
* Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
* Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
* Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
* Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
* Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for
* Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
* Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
* Trust yourself and your own experiences.
Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
......................................…
• One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then ';it must be true.';
Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.
•
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts.
•
If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.
Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:
';What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing…!”
';Come on, honey, I was drunk..” .....
';Honey, I love you… but sometimes you make me say mean things...';
';I had a bad day at work ...';
';You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old.';
';I was upset with my ex,';
';You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember.';
Start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your ';charmer'; and don't offer belief or support. Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.
Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can- and sometimes does,- turn physical.
next time he goes out ..PACK YOUR BAGS .. and leave him.. .. its the only way forward for you ..
only you can control who you give your own power to. the counselor probably has already told you that. it's so hard, but you are going to have to break apart from him to rebuild yourself. remember who you are and who you were before you met him. you are still, the same, beautiful and trusting spirit. you just gave it to someone who doesn't value the precious gift of your heart. sounds like you are already trying to break apart gradually.. just go at your own pace, get some outside interests away from him and people that make you feel good. try your church or the like and try some local groups or book clubs. you sound as though you are little by little getting stronger. it will bother him if you start working out and spending alot of time at the gym and make some friends there. next time he puts you down, say whatever, and say im going to hang at the gym.it will drive him crazy.he will see that you don't care and he will panic because he will see he's losing his grip on you. when you are strong in your mind, spirit and body- leave him, but start your savings and planning now. remember, you can do anything you put your mind to..good luck you can do it
i know this all sounds crazy and it is...i am losing my mind.
please no rude comments. i am very lonely, dont have any friends, family or support in this country so its hard enough.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Sounds like he was using you especially if he was sleeping with his x wife. It only says things that hurt for the very same reason it gets to you and so you will only stay with him to use you even more. If you allow a person to abuse you, you don't have any respect for yourself and allowing it makes him have even more disrespect for you. I would turn the table, don't listen to what he says to you, love yourself. I would start stashing some money away. Open up a bank account with your name only another bank not the one your using now, and keep putting some money away. Hopefully you have a job, if not nows the time to start looking, wait until you have some plans in place. But if he is abusive it will only get worse. Don't leave high and dry, go get yourself a good attorney and file for divorce. Your safety is the most important thing. This guy is a user abuser and you deserve better.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Hi there.
It does not sound good to me...I must say.
According to your saying it looks like he is only using you for his needs, and your marriage are only valid on the papers. You sounds young and I understand that have no friends or family to speak to.
If I were you I would go to a social worker in my town, explain her the situation as it is (I did not like the part of abusing , this is the most important thing you should think about!) , she will guide you to the right people who will assist you in this matter.
No woman on earth should feel like you or be in your situation. Your relationship (if we could call it this way) is wrong from the core and needs to be change immediately.
He will never change for you and will continue his ways for ever. It is cleared that he does not respect you what so ever, or has any inside connection to you. He is using you for his needs and no more than that.
It is sad to hear it and I feel sorry fro you , but YOU are the only one that can help to yourself !!!
First you need to understand that there is no chance to this relationship at all and you need to walk out of it ASAP.
Then you need to learn to respect yourself as you are! You are the centre of your world and if you don't take care of yourself , no one will do it for you.
Respect yourself, believe in your powers, stand for your tights and take action! Don't just stand there and look how your life goes to hell!
I assume there are no kids there since you did not mention kid at all, but if there are kids there - then you should do it for them!!!
I wish you all the best and hope you will have the power to do the right thing! God bless you!
About abuse…How are you affected?
* Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?
* Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?
* Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?
* Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?
* Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?
* Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?
* Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?
* Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?
* Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?
What can you do about it?
* Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.
* Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.
* Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.
* Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.
* Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.
* Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.
* Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for
* Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.
* Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.
* Trust yourself and your own experiences.
Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.
......................................…
• One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then ';it must be true.';
Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.
•
The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts.
•
If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.
Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:
';What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing…!”
';Come on, honey, I was drunk..” .....
';Honey, I love you… but sometimes you make me say mean things...';
';I had a bad day at work ...';
';You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old.';
';I was upset with my ex,';
';You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember.';
Start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your ';charmer'; and don't offer belief or support. Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.
Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can- and sometimes does,- turn physical.
next time he goes out ..PACK YOUR BAGS .. and leave him.. .. its the only way forward for you ..
only you can control who you give your own power to. the counselor probably has already told you that. it's so hard, but you are going to have to break apart from him to rebuild yourself. remember who you are and who you were before you met him. you are still, the same, beautiful and trusting spirit. you just gave it to someone who doesn't value the precious gift of your heart. sounds like you are already trying to break apart gradually.. just go at your own pace, get some outside interests away from him and people that make you feel good. try your church or the like and try some local groups or book clubs. you sound as though you are little by little getting stronger. it will bother him if you start working out and spending alot of time at the gym and make some friends there. next time he puts you down, say whatever, and say im going to hang at the gym.it will drive him crazy.he will see that you don't care and he will panic because he will see he's losing his grip on you. when you are strong in your mind, spirit and body- leave him, but start your savings and planning now. remember, you can do anything you put your mind to..good luck you can do it
Husband Says He Is At Crossroads In His Life - Advice Please?
My husband says he is at a crossroads in his life, we are both mid 30's and have been married for 7 and a half years, together for over 10 years. We have no children. He says he is not sure if he wants to go down the having kids route and staying with me or if he just wants to be a single man and not have to answer to anyone. He says he does not want a divorce and does not want either of us to move out of our home. We are living seperate lives at the moment but still friends, he tells me he loves me and just wishes he could make his mind up about what he wants. He says he does not want to make the biggest mistake of his life by letting me go. How long should I stay in this situation before I make up his mind for him? I love my husband dearly and want to make our marriage work. Should I give him his space and let him decide? I really don;t believe he has anyone else as he does not go out only to the local pub once a week. How can he throw this away.Husband Says He Is At Crossroads In His Life - Advice Please?
Is it what you want also? You need to know what you want...and if it is along the same lines as he wants then there is no problem...if it is not...then find out deep inside yourself what you want....and when you do state what you want to him with conviction...
What will you put up with? What are you happy with? If you don't want to wait for him...then say so... if he is not happy with what you want and does not want to compromise or plays you along then it is better to feel the heartbreak now than much later say at 10 years time full of regret.... and maybe a couple of kids as well who would suffer also......Husband Says He Is At Crossroads In His Life - Advice Please?
This is the true tale sign of young love.. Lets see y'all started seeing each other around age 18 or 19.. Way to early to know what directions your lives are heading and now this is the discussion that is arising years later.. Give him space then sit down and discuss what y'all both want for the future.. One way or the other y'all will both be happier..
there has to be a third party in yor situation.there is a distraction.its not fair he wants to linger u on while he makes up his mind,u r to good for this make up his mind for him.and if he wants to come running back then u deal according to your terms who do he think he is.be encouraged, be strong,u can make it through or out of this situation whatever the outcome be you must tell yourself I will be fine.don't put up with this mess.he's not being honest with u.you gave this man a decade of your life now he says he don't know make his mind up for him.say good bye with a smile on your face....
What about what you want? Don't you want to be with a man that wants you? He's B.S.ing you. He wants his freedom but is too chicken to leave you. I'd go on with my own life, and if you're still available if he comes around-go to counseling together.
Tell him to either make a U turn or take the high road, but to make a decision NOW. Life too short to be on hold. Good luck.
Have you been pressuring him to have kids?
That would be my guess - and why he wants to bail
If you want kids the choice is clear - not with him!
Its time for you to spend a little time outside the house yourself...Golf, tennis, shopping, have lunch with friends...this is not the time for you to worry about his needs. Live your life, you will appreciate this in 10 or 20 years time, no matter what decision he makes.
He wants it both ways. Doesn't want to commit to staying with you but doesn't want to commit to ending it. He might have someone else on the side and doesn't know if he should leave you for her. He's stringing you along and playing with your head. Let him know that you understand he's having issues, but that you have no intention of waiting around for him to make his decision. You don't need to be in limbo while he's trying to decide what's best for him. He needs to make his decision and stick with it...no matter what the decision is.
why dont you move out for a bit and give him time, he is being irresponsible and is wasting your time, move out and with time he will know what he really wants.
Your seriously asking this question?!? OH GIRRRRRL....here we go!!! How are u going to just sit back and wait for him to make up his mind whether or not he wants to stay married to you? He is afraid to make a decision that may leave him alone. Dont u understand that? If he actually leaves u - he will be alone at least until he finds someone else....if he stays with u for the time being...he wont be alone and will use u whenever he wants to. Your his cushion. A safety net. WTF is wrong with you?? Dont let him use u like that...take away the cushion and safety net and let him fall on his face so that he can feel the pain your feeling ';waiting'; for him. Right now, your a door mat....HIS doormat. Does it feel good having him steppin all over you?!?!
Wow.. it took him 10 years to come to the conclusion that he doesnt know if he wants to be married to u and have kids or to be single???????? lame excuse there..
And id be willing to bet he doesnt have a gf yet, thats why he's still keeping u in limbo because he hasnt found anyone yet, but when he does he'll be gone, he's using u as a security blanket.. until he does..
I think u need to make the decision for him.. , its always harder being the person being dumped then the dumper, and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.. and not leave u in limbo, until he finds someone else thats crazy and thats mean of him to do.. so i think its time that u force his hand in the situation by telling him he needs to go and figure out what he wants ..
i think this is just a 7 year itch. he is realizing that after 10 years of being together all together and 7 years of marriage that he doesnt know what he wants. hes feeling suffocated by the marriage but he definetly still cares about you. within any marriage men will freak out about children. and along with that he will start to wonder if he wants his bachelor status again. its like getting cold feet before a marriage but its cold feet before you actually start the baby thing. tell him you want him to be happy but he has to take your feelings into consideration. you are worth a guy that wants you to be together. dont force him to make up his mind because what if you cause him to stay in the marriage but his heart isnt into it. like i said you are worth a man that wants a strong marriage. good luck
I can emphatize with you--men are sometimes hard to explain--they say they love you and cant afford to lose you, another minute they'll say they're bored and not sure about what they want..
it may be midlife crisis or quarter life crisis? but dont beg- let him go and give him space..if he comes back- then maybe it was meant to be..
It's hard to give up easily on long term marriage..but it's not fun to be with someone who thinks they are unhappy when they;'re with you..
You say you love him dearly and want to make the marriage work. Then go for it! Go all out to woo him back again!
Could it be that you both are in a rut? How about if you spice things up a bit? How about getting closer to him, so he will realise just what you both have, and how much you love him, and hopefully just how much he loves you?
Think back to some of the things you used to do when you were going out together, at the beginning of your relationship. Start doing any of those things that are still possible to do.
Do lots of little things to draw the two of you back together. Speak nicely to him, praise him. If you think he looks good, tell him so. When you are close together, touch him, maybe just on the arm, but have physical contact. If he thinks you are attractive, let him see you in little or nothing sometimes. Wear things that may tease him a bit. If you both share a bathroom, stay nude just a bit longer when you finish showering (maybe when you are doing your makeup or your teeth) or sometimes fold the towel lengthwise in half %26amp; wrap it around your bottom half. Do things to make him realise what he will be missing, though you don't want to make it all about sex. If you aren't already, shave down there - most men love it.
If you are both still close enough, let him know by your actions that you think he is sexy or handsome or still attractive to you. Ocassionally, gently rub his backside when you stand next to him. Give him a little shoulder massage when you can get behind the seat he is sitting on. Sit close to him while watching tv, put your hand on his leg - up high, and every so often just brush his member, but do it casually to promote interest. Lots of little things you can do. Try www.bringbackthespark.com they have great ideas and suggestions for a healthy relationship - it's worth it if you value yours, and it doesn't cost much. A great relationship shapes the rest of your life.
Remember that males and females think differently - it stems from cave man days. His way of thinking isn't wrong, it's just different to yours. Your acceptance and appreciation of that will help your marriage no end. Women like to talk about issues, men internalise them.
Give and take. With give and take, give more than you take, and things will be good. DON'T NAG, DON'T NAG, DON'T NAG.
When it gets to that stage - when he is showering, jump in too. Lather him up, rub his back, then run your nails GENTLY down his back, over his butt and if it suits, over his ba*ls.
See pleasurestate.com for really classy lingerie.
Hold his hand when you go out together, say to the Mall. Flirt a bit. Kiss him when suitable. Tell him you love him.
Go out on a ';date'; together.
All in all, make the relationship interesting and fun again. Keep him on the boil. If it is you, be soft and feminine with him. Good luck.
It's not unusual for couple to go through this when they reach the seven year mark. He is talking to you and expressing his feelings, which is good.
If no lines have been crossed (he hasn't cheated), then I would suggest you do the following: You may consider marriage counciling. If there is a way that you can let him know how life will be without you, that may help. Try to make it where he does not see you... don't make love to him... don't cook for him... nothing. Maybe if he gets a vision of what life would be like without you...
I think he's to young for a mid-life crisis. Could be. He's at that place where he's just kind of bored with his life and you. ';Is this all there is?';
This is not your fault. This is all his deal. He has not embraced the concept of love as you (woman) have. This is the difference between men and women. Know that he is truly lost. You don't have the authority to guide him onto any kind of path.
It's time for him to get into counseling, a men's Bible study, (solid, centered, loving men) or to start reading some books on where he's a ll screwed up.
Like an addict, the first thing he needs to do is ADMIT that he has a problem. He doesn't think he has a problem. It's just life. He's wrong.
I would ask him to go to counseling with you, theres something not right here. you need to find out what he is not happy with.maybe you can figure all this out together. good luck and I am sorry you have got to feel like this!
.hes so selfish..if i were you i will not accept his way..what about your feeling and needs
You should first decide what you would like from him, what you can live with and live without. Set some limits as to how long the ';limbo'; will continue. Then when that limit is reached he needs to give you his with and without list. You guys need to get an organized plan of action going and either make it or break it. You know? Good Luck and sorry for your trouble.
The best thing to do is to make up your own mind about this situation. How is he making you feel right now. If you feel miserable then remove yourself from the situation. If he still wants to be with you he will let you know. My friend and her boyfriend broke up after 6 years together because he decided he didn't want kids and she did. It's not that they didn't love each other it's that they could not live together and make each other happy. Give yourself some credit and cut the ties if this situation is seriously not working out for you. Don't worry if you end up alone because everything will be ok in the long run. It always is.
Tell him that you two should seek counseling NOW. It understandable that everyone reaches a point in their lives where they wonder ';Is this all there is for me?'; ';Did I make the right decisions, the right choices?'; and ';What if there's something/someone else out there?'; but he chose to get married so he has to work on his commitment, or give you the freedom to move on.
You can and should give him a definite time frame - either work out that you want to be here, or leave, by (whatever date). Living ';separate'; but still being married leaves both of you in limbo, neither can move on.
Is it what you want also? You need to know what you want...and if it is along the same lines as he wants then there is no problem...if it is not...then find out deep inside yourself what you want....and when you do state what you want to him with conviction...
What will you put up with? What are you happy with? If you don't want to wait for him...then say so... if he is not happy with what you want and does not want to compromise or plays you along then it is better to feel the heartbreak now than much later say at 10 years time full of regret.... and maybe a couple of kids as well who would suffer also......Husband Says He Is At Crossroads In His Life - Advice Please?
This is the true tale sign of young love.. Lets see y'all started seeing each other around age 18 or 19.. Way to early to know what directions your lives are heading and now this is the discussion that is arising years later.. Give him space then sit down and discuss what y'all both want for the future.. One way or the other y'all will both be happier..
there has to be a third party in yor situation.there is a distraction.its not fair he wants to linger u on while he makes up his mind,u r to good for this make up his mind for him.and if he wants to come running back then u deal according to your terms who do he think he is.be encouraged, be strong,u can make it through or out of this situation whatever the outcome be you must tell yourself I will be fine.don't put up with this mess.he's not being honest with u.you gave this man a decade of your life now he says he don't know make his mind up for him.say good bye with a smile on your face....
What about what you want? Don't you want to be with a man that wants you? He's B.S.ing you. He wants his freedom but is too chicken to leave you. I'd go on with my own life, and if you're still available if he comes around-go to counseling together.
Tell him to either make a U turn or take the high road, but to make a decision NOW. Life too short to be on hold. Good luck.
Have you been pressuring him to have kids?
That would be my guess - and why he wants to bail
If you want kids the choice is clear - not with him!
Its time for you to spend a little time outside the house yourself...Golf, tennis, shopping, have lunch with friends...this is not the time for you to worry about his needs. Live your life, you will appreciate this in 10 or 20 years time, no matter what decision he makes.
He wants it both ways. Doesn't want to commit to staying with you but doesn't want to commit to ending it. He might have someone else on the side and doesn't know if he should leave you for her. He's stringing you along and playing with your head. Let him know that you understand he's having issues, but that you have no intention of waiting around for him to make his decision. You don't need to be in limbo while he's trying to decide what's best for him. He needs to make his decision and stick with it...no matter what the decision is.
why dont you move out for a bit and give him time, he is being irresponsible and is wasting your time, move out and with time he will know what he really wants.
Your seriously asking this question?!? OH GIRRRRRL....here we go!!! How are u going to just sit back and wait for him to make up his mind whether or not he wants to stay married to you? He is afraid to make a decision that may leave him alone. Dont u understand that? If he actually leaves u - he will be alone at least until he finds someone else....if he stays with u for the time being...he wont be alone and will use u whenever he wants to. Your his cushion. A safety net. WTF is wrong with you?? Dont let him use u like that...take away the cushion and safety net and let him fall on his face so that he can feel the pain your feeling ';waiting'; for him. Right now, your a door mat....HIS doormat. Does it feel good having him steppin all over you?!?!
Wow.. it took him 10 years to come to the conclusion that he doesnt know if he wants to be married to u and have kids or to be single???????? lame excuse there..
And id be willing to bet he doesnt have a gf yet, thats why he's still keeping u in limbo because he hasnt found anyone yet, but when he does he'll be gone, he's using u as a security blanket.. until he does..
I think u need to make the decision for him.. , its always harder being the person being dumped then the dumper, and he needs to wake up and smell the coffee.. and not leave u in limbo, until he finds someone else thats crazy and thats mean of him to do.. so i think its time that u force his hand in the situation by telling him he needs to go and figure out what he wants ..
i think this is just a 7 year itch. he is realizing that after 10 years of being together all together and 7 years of marriage that he doesnt know what he wants. hes feeling suffocated by the marriage but he definetly still cares about you. within any marriage men will freak out about children. and along with that he will start to wonder if he wants his bachelor status again. its like getting cold feet before a marriage but its cold feet before you actually start the baby thing. tell him you want him to be happy but he has to take your feelings into consideration. you are worth a guy that wants you to be together. dont force him to make up his mind because what if you cause him to stay in the marriage but his heart isnt into it. like i said you are worth a man that wants a strong marriage. good luck
I can emphatize with you--men are sometimes hard to explain--they say they love you and cant afford to lose you, another minute they'll say they're bored and not sure about what they want..
it may be midlife crisis or quarter life crisis? but dont beg- let him go and give him space..if he comes back- then maybe it was meant to be..
It's hard to give up easily on long term marriage..but it's not fun to be with someone who thinks they are unhappy when they;'re with you..
You say you love him dearly and want to make the marriage work. Then go for it! Go all out to woo him back again!
Could it be that you both are in a rut? How about if you spice things up a bit? How about getting closer to him, so he will realise just what you both have, and how much you love him, and hopefully just how much he loves you?
Think back to some of the things you used to do when you were going out together, at the beginning of your relationship. Start doing any of those things that are still possible to do.
Do lots of little things to draw the two of you back together. Speak nicely to him, praise him. If you think he looks good, tell him so. When you are close together, touch him, maybe just on the arm, but have physical contact. If he thinks you are attractive, let him see you in little or nothing sometimes. Wear things that may tease him a bit. If you both share a bathroom, stay nude just a bit longer when you finish showering (maybe when you are doing your makeup or your teeth) or sometimes fold the towel lengthwise in half %26amp; wrap it around your bottom half. Do things to make him realise what he will be missing, though you don't want to make it all about sex. If you aren't already, shave down there - most men love it.
If you are both still close enough, let him know by your actions that you think he is sexy or handsome or still attractive to you. Ocassionally, gently rub his backside when you stand next to him. Give him a little shoulder massage when you can get behind the seat he is sitting on. Sit close to him while watching tv, put your hand on his leg - up high, and every so often just brush his member, but do it casually to promote interest. Lots of little things you can do. Try www.bringbackthespark.com they have great ideas and suggestions for a healthy relationship - it's worth it if you value yours, and it doesn't cost much. A great relationship shapes the rest of your life.
Remember that males and females think differently - it stems from cave man days. His way of thinking isn't wrong, it's just different to yours. Your acceptance and appreciation of that will help your marriage no end. Women like to talk about issues, men internalise them.
Give and take. With give and take, give more than you take, and things will be good. DON'T NAG, DON'T NAG, DON'T NAG.
When it gets to that stage - when he is showering, jump in too. Lather him up, rub his back, then run your nails GENTLY down his back, over his butt and if it suits, over his ba*ls.
See pleasurestate.com for really classy lingerie.
Hold his hand when you go out together, say to the Mall. Flirt a bit. Kiss him when suitable. Tell him you love him.
Go out on a ';date'; together.
All in all, make the relationship interesting and fun again. Keep him on the boil. If it is you, be soft and feminine with him. Good luck.
It's not unusual for couple to go through this when they reach the seven year mark. He is talking to you and expressing his feelings, which is good.
If no lines have been crossed (he hasn't cheated), then I would suggest you do the following: You may consider marriage counciling. If there is a way that you can let him know how life will be without you, that may help. Try to make it where he does not see you... don't make love to him... don't cook for him... nothing. Maybe if he gets a vision of what life would be like without you...
I think he's to young for a mid-life crisis. Could be. He's at that place where he's just kind of bored with his life and you. ';Is this all there is?';
This is not your fault. This is all his deal. He has not embraced the concept of love as you (woman) have. This is the difference between men and women. Know that he is truly lost. You don't have the authority to guide him onto any kind of path.
It's time for him to get into counseling, a men's Bible study, (solid, centered, loving men) or to start reading some books on where he's a ll screwed up.
Like an addict, the first thing he needs to do is ADMIT that he has a problem. He doesn't think he has a problem. It's just life. He's wrong.
I would ask him to go to counseling with you, theres something not right here. you need to find out what he is not happy with.maybe you can figure all this out together. good luck and I am sorry you have got to feel like this!
.hes so selfish..if i were you i will not accept his way..what about your feeling and needs
You should first decide what you would like from him, what you can live with and live without. Set some limits as to how long the ';limbo'; will continue. Then when that limit is reached he needs to give you his with and without list. You guys need to get an organized plan of action going and either make it or break it. You know? Good Luck and sorry for your trouble.
The best thing to do is to make up your own mind about this situation. How is he making you feel right now. If you feel miserable then remove yourself from the situation. If he still wants to be with you he will let you know. My friend and her boyfriend broke up after 6 years together because he decided he didn't want kids and she did. It's not that they didn't love each other it's that they could not live together and make each other happy. Give yourself some credit and cut the ties if this situation is seriously not working out for you. Don't worry if you end up alone because everything will be ok in the long run. It always is.
Tell him that you two should seek counseling NOW. It understandable that everyone reaches a point in their lives where they wonder ';Is this all there is for me?'; ';Did I make the right decisions, the right choices?'; and ';What if there's something/someone else out there?'; but he chose to get married so he has to work on his commitment, or give you the freedom to move on.
You can and should give him a definite time frame - either work out that you want to be here, or leave, by (whatever date). Living ';separate'; but still being married leaves both of you in limbo, neither can move on.
Husband's ex making contact after YEARS of none-advice please?
This is our second marriage of 5 years. In our 40's. My husband was divorced from his ex for 15 years when we met, they have a daughter who is now 28. His ex cheated on him and threw him out when he found out about it. She then married the other guy, moved out of state. All he had of hers was her phone number in case of an emergecy with daughter-which I think is alright-daughter lives out of state also.
Daughter hated me from day one. I give husband good, loving home and treat him like gold. It doesn't matter. She is a user and only calls daddy when she wants something. Husband hasn't talked to ex in years, since daughter was a minor. I thought everyone had moved on. She remarried and he had a 7 year relationship with someone else before we even met.
Last month, husband got a phone call on cell out of the blue from the ex (I was standing there) telling him she was going through a nasty divorce and giving details. WTH? He ended call quickly and was just as surprised as I was. I asked why and he said she told him she was moving far away and wanted to let him know. I said she should have told daughter to pass on the info when all was said and done. There was no need to call him and talk about her issues. Oh yeah, she was drunk besides.
Come to find out she has been calling his sister in law also. ';For advice';. I'm sure they were loving it as they never liked me. I found out she has emailed my husband on a couple of occasions and on Father's day she texted him. I don't know what's going on but my husband says nothing. If that were true, I told him it should have ended after that first drunken phone call. Period.
His family always liked her in spite of everything she did and doesn't accept me although I am loving and good to him. I will never understand. Some people are just nasty.
He said she probably just ';needed to vent';. I said okay I understand, but why YOU-your family? She should have spoken to her own friends.
When he got the text on Father's day, I asked who from and he said he didn't know. A lie. When I said I knew it was ex (from number) he got angry and defensive. I sent him an email (because we weren't talking) telling him my feelings, how this is wrong. Asked him why he is angry at me (?) for wanting to know why now-why after all these years. Didn't he think it was strange?
I told him he has some decisions to make and to let me know what he decides. If he wanted a real marriage with me to put an end to these head games with ex. I wouldn't doubt it if daughter put her up to it to get to me.
My ex and I are on good terms-but only regarding my minor son. We know none of each other's business. We divorced for a reason. Moved on.
I am not a paranoid , jealous person-but this is wrong. She knows he is married and doesn't care. I don't know if she is trying to get him back or just cause trouble. It has been YEARS!
My husband doesn't owe her anything and it is coming between us as we still haven't spoken in 2 days. I told him if there was nothing to hide, then why so defensive? Why hasn't it stopped.
I'd like to know what the reason is-not easy when he won't talk-which he hardly does anyway about ';feelings'; stuff.
Do you think there is more going on than I know? Is he just a wuss who feels bad in a way for her so won't shut it off? Why would he care after what she did to him? Is he getting an ego trip out of it because she wants him back after realizing the grass wasn't greener? He will not initiate conversation. I said everything I had to in email (it was NOT confrontational-just how hurt I was). What should my next step be? I honestly thought after that first call he would have put an end to it out of respect for me. The fact that this is still an issue makes me question where his devotion lies, what else I don't know. I should come first. I am a kind, loving person and don't deserve this.Husband's ex making contact after YEARS of none-advice please?
Well, I was completely on your husband's side of this situation until you said he started to hide it from you and lie to you about it -- that is definitely not cool. Let me explain.
If they've been divorced and without contact for that long, AND he is married to you, then why do you need to be worrying if his ex calls him or texts him, or talks to his family? How old are all of you? If his daughter is 28 years old, I can only assume the two of you are in your late 40's at least -- why all the high school drama, honestly? This woman's intentions shouldn't matter in the least bit to you -- your husband's intentions should be all that matters. If he ended the phone call with her quickly after realizing it wasn't about their daughter, then what is there to worry about, really? Even if she WAS trying to get back with him and get into his head, if he's turning her down and pushing her away does it really matter?
Where he starts to hide it and lie about it is where I would become concerned. However, is it possible -- JUST THINK ABOUT IT -- that maybe he started hiding it and lying to you about it because you were being all psycho about it? Please don't get defensive, just think about it. Maybe he IS doing the right thing and keeping her at arm's length (without being rude, because there is no reason he needs to be rude to her) but you were getting all crazy about it and not letting it go and so he decided he needed to go on the defensive and stopped telling you what was going on to prevent arguments?
Trust me on this one. I have a past of not letting stuff go and talking things to DEATH with my husband until he started getting defensive and hiding stuff from me too. I learned the hard way to not go there -- let things rest, please, for the sake of your marriage. Over the past few months or so I've gone through some HUGE changes in that regard, and it's helped a bit -- take my advice.
Apologize to your husband for making such a huge deal about it, and vow to back off. Make it clear between the two of you what you feel the boundaries should be regarding his ex wife, and then SHUT UP about it. Honestly. Trust him and leave it be, and don't worry about if she's talking to his family -- they don't matter either. What matters is how your husband feels.
Good luck.Husband's ex making contact after YEARS of none-advice please?
He is with you right so you do come first. The poor man has no control over what his drunken ex might say or do. Do not keep giving him grief over this issue. The ex said she is moving far away, good. If you keep on harassing the man you will be creating a problem when there does not need to be one.
How would he know why the ex is doing what she is doing. The ex can have a relationship with the inlaws if she wants that is totally up to them. You must learn that you cannot controll every issue and your husband is not responsible for his ex's behaviour.
Quite a story, but I would say take this for what he says it is which is a drunken call, some emails and a text. Your husband wants you. I can understand the questioning of her motives and wondering what's going on in his head but we all learn we can't control what others do or think.
Talk to him (no email stuff cause that's childish) and let him know it does worry you a bit that she wants back in his life because in your eyes when you move on you really move on but you don't want her to come between you so if he needs to communicate with her you will be more understanding. Let him know you love him and trust him. Maybe that's all you can do.
If something extra is going on I have a strong feeling you would find out. You are a good person, we all are good persons, and no one deserves sneaking around, lies, drama or anything but it happens. Keep your cool, make up with your man, and try not to worry. If you stay judging him he might really feel driven to see more in his ex than he was.
I think it was a phone call, a text and a few emails and you are massively over reacting, just reading the post I got irritated with you, I can only imagine how it must feel to your husband to be badgered by you over something he has no control over, he probably lied about the text because of how you react and he just wanted to save the drama. You need to consider being less meddling and controlling, if his family doesn't like you, well given the attitude I see here, I don't wonder why.
I would be upset in general that he let the calls/texts continue but honestly he cannot control what she does. As long as he doesn't call her back or text her back, then there is really nothing he or you can do.
Now you have to go talk to the hubby about it. You need to tell him you are sorry you are so bent out of shape about it and realize that he cannot control her. Tell him as long as he doesn't call her or text her back that you will be more understanding. He shouldn't lie about it after that. In this instance, I believe he lied because he was in a no win situation, can't control what she does but you're making it his fault. I don't think there is anything going on but I'm sure she is trying. . . If the calls continue, maybe you should answer his phone and tell her he is unavailable. She should move on eventually. Good luck.
Sounds as if his ex wife is finding herself getting pay back for all she has done. In other words, she is going through a difficult time and is now reaching out to your husband for comfort. I do not believe your husband did anything wrong. He sounded just as surprised by that phone call as you were and as you said, he never was the one to call her, she called him. I can understand your annoyance of her intrusion and can only find one solution for you, have your husband change his number. From the sounds of things, you are and always have been his priority and the only reason he has not opened up to you is because he is taking your anger as a sign that you doubt his love for you and is resentful of it. Ask him to change his number.You need to approach this not so much as a demand but as a suggestion. Good luck to you!everyday minerals
Daughter hated me from day one. I give husband good, loving home and treat him like gold. It doesn't matter. She is a user and only calls daddy when she wants something. Husband hasn't talked to ex in years, since daughter was a minor. I thought everyone had moved on. She remarried and he had a 7 year relationship with someone else before we even met.
Last month, husband got a phone call on cell out of the blue from the ex (I was standing there) telling him she was going through a nasty divorce and giving details. WTH? He ended call quickly and was just as surprised as I was. I asked why and he said she told him she was moving far away and wanted to let him know. I said she should have told daughter to pass on the info when all was said and done. There was no need to call him and talk about her issues. Oh yeah, she was drunk besides.
Come to find out she has been calling his sister in law also. ';For advice';. I'm sure they were loving it as they never liked me. I found out she has emailed my husband on a couple of occasions and on Father's day she texted him. I don't know what's going on but my husband says nothing. If that were true, I told him it should have ended after that first drunken phone call. Period.
His family always liked her in spite of everything she did and doesn't accept me although I am loving and good to him. I will never understand. Some people are just nasty.
He said she probably just ';needed to vent';. I said okay I understand, but why YOU-your family? She should have spoken to her own friends.
When he got the text on Father's day, I asked who from and he said he didn't know. A lie. When I said I knew it was ex (from number) he got angry and defensive. I sent him an email (because we weren't talking) telling him my feelings, how this is wrong. Asked him why he is angry at me (?) for wanting to know why now-why after all these years. Didn't he think it was strange?
I told him he has some decisions to make and to let me know what he decides. If he wanted a real marriage with me to put an end to these head games with ex. I wouldn't doubt it if daughter put her up to it to get to me.
My ex and I are on good terms-but only regarding my minor son. We know none of each other's business. We divorced for a reason. Moved on.
I am not a paranoid , jealous person-but this is wrong. She knows he is married and doesn't care. I don't know if she is trying to get him back or just cause trouble. It has been YEARS!
My husband doesn't owe her anything and it is coming between us as we still haven't spoken in 2 days. I told him if there was nothing to hide, then why so defensive? Why hasn't it stopped.
I'd like to know what the reason is-not easy when he won't talk-which he hardly does anyway about ';feelings'; stuff.
Do you think there is more going on than I know? Is he just a wuss who feels bad in a way for her so won't shut it off? Why would he care after what she did to him? Is he getting an ego trip out of it because she wants him back after realizing the grass wasn't greener? He will not initiate conversation. I said everything I had to in email (it was NOT confrontational-just how hurt I was). What should my next step be? I honestly thought after that first call he would have put an end to it out of respect for me. The fact that this is still an issue makes me question where his devotion lies, what else I don't know. I should come first. I am a kind, loving person and don't deserve this.Husband's ex making contact after YEARS of none-advice please?
Well, I was completely on your husband's side of this situation until you said he started to hide it from you and lie to you about it -- that is definitely not cool. Let me explain.
If they've been divorced and without contact for that long, AND he is married to you, then why do you need to be worrying if his ex calls him or texts him, or talks to his family? How old are all of you? If his daughter is 28 years old, I can only assume the two of you are in your late 40's at least -- why all the high school drama, honestly? This woman's intentions shouldn't matter in the least bit to you -- your husband's intentions should be all that matters. If he ended the phone call with her quickly after realizing it wasn't about their daughter, then what is there to worry about, really? Even if she WAS trying to get back with him and get into his head, if he's turning her down and pushing her away does it really matter?
Where he starts to hide it and lie about it is where I would become concerned. However, is it possible -- JUST THINK ABOUT IT -- that maybe he started hiding it and lying to you about it because you were being all psycho about it? Please don't get defensive, just think about it. Maybe he IS doing the right thing and keeping her at arm's length (without being rude, because there is no reason he needs to be rude to her) but you were getting all crazy about it and not letting it go and so he decided he needed to go on the defensive and stopped telling you what was going on to prevent arguments?
Trust me on this one. I have a past of not letting stuff go and talking things to DEATH with my husband until he started getting defensive and hiding stuff from me too. I learned the hard way to not go there -- let things rest, please, for the sake of your marriage. Over the past few months or so I've gone through some HUGE changes in that regard, and it's helped a bit -- take my advice.
Apologize to your husband for making such a huge deal about it, and vow to back off. Make it clear between the two of you what you feel the boundaries should be regarding his ex wife, and then SHUT UP about it. Honestly. Trust him and leave it be, and don't worry about if she's talking to his family -- they don't matter either. What matters is how your husband feels.
Good luck.Husband's ex making contact after YEARS of none-advice please?
He is with you right so you do come first. The poor man has no control over what his drunken ex might say or do. Do not keep giving him grief over this issue. The ex said she is moving far away, good. If you keep on harassing the man you will be creating a problem when there does not need to be one.
How would he know why the ex is doing what she is doing. The ex can have a relationship with the inlaws if she wants that is totally up to them. You must learn that you cannot controll every issue and your husband is not responsible for his ex's behaviour.
Quite a story, but I would say take this for what he says it is which is a drunken call, some emails and a text. Your husband wants you. I can understand the questioning of her motives and wondering what's going on in his head but we all learn we can't control what others do or think.
Talk to him (no email stuff cause that's childish) and let him know it does worry you a bit that she wants back in his life because in your eyes when you move on you really move on but you don't want her to come between you so if he needs to communicate with her you will be more understanding. Let him know you love him and trust him. Maybe that's all you can do.
If something extra is going on I have a strong feeling you would find out. You are a good person, we all are good persons, and no one deserves sneaking around, lies, drama or anything but it happens. Keep your cool, make up with your man, and try not to worry. If you stay judging him he might really feel driven to see more in his ex than he was.
I think it was a phone call, a text and a few emails and you are massively over reacting, just reading the post I got irritated with you, I can only imagine how it must feel to your husband to be badgered by you over something he has no control over, he probably lied about the text because of how you react and he just wanted to save the drama. You need to consider being less meddling and controlling, if his family doesn't like you, well given the attitude I see here, I don't wonder why.
I would be upset in general that he let the calls/texts continue but honestly he cannot control what she does. As long as he doesn't call her back or text her back, then there is really nothing he or you can do.
Now you have to go talk to the hubby about it. You need to tell him you are sorry you are so bent out of shape about it and realize that he cannot control her. Tell him as long as he doesn't call her or text her back that you will be more understanding. He shouldn't lie about it after that. In this instance, I believe he lied because he was in a no win situation, can't control what she does but you're making it his fault. I don't think there is anything going on but I'm sure she is trying. . . If the calls continue, maybe you should answer his phone and tell her he is unavailable. She should move on eventually. Good luck.
Sounds as if his ex wife is finding herself getting pay back for all she has done. In other words, she is going through a difficult time and is now reaching out to your husband for comfort. I do not believe your husband did anything wrong. He sounded just as surprised by that phone call as you were and as you said, he never was the one to call her, she called him. I can understand your annoyance of her intrusion and can only find one solution for you, have your husband change his number. From the sounds of things, you are and always have been his priority and the only reason he has not opened up to you is because he is taking your anger as a sign that you doubt his love for you and is resentful of it. Ask him to change his number.You need to approach this not so much as a demand but as a suggestion. Good luck to you!
Husband a porn addict?? or just a liar??? please advice?
WHAT SHOULD I DO ABOUT THIS? MY HUSBAND LIED TO ME. WHEN WE GOT MARRIED 3 YRS. AGO I ASKED HIM IF HE WANTD TO WATCH PORN W ME AND WE DID. HE SAID THAT DID NOT TURN HIM ON AT ALL, AND HE SAID HE DIDNT LIKE PORN SO I TOLD HIM TAHT IT WOULD BE THE LAST TIME US WATCHING PORN. THEN 3 WKS AGO I OPEND A CABLE BILL ONLY TO FIND HE HAD ORDERED 6 PORN MOVIES IN 1 MO.!! I WAS SHOCKD. HE HAD BEEN WATCHING PORN FOR 2 YRS AND NEVER TOLD ME AWORD. I ALSO FOUND OUT HE HAD SPENT AROUND A THOUSAND $ IN WEB PORN!! BESIDES HE USED TO TALK ABOUT MY DAD BECAUSE HE USED TO WATCH PORN, HE WOULD SAY MY DAD WAS A NASTY MAN FOR WATCHING PORN.. EVER SINCE I FOUND OUT ABOUT THIS I CANT STAND HIM. I THINK HE IS A LIAR, I CANT RESPECT HIM. I CANT TRUST HIM EITHER. I GAVE HIM THE CHANCE 4 US TO WATCH IT 2GETHER AND HE DECIDED TO WATCH IT ALONE AND LIE TO ME. AM I BEING TO HARSH? OR TO EXAGERATED?
PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK.
hottsophiesmom@yahoo.comHusband a porn addict?? or just a liar??? please advice?
I don't think you are being to harsh. He lied to you. Any guy who spends that kind of money on porn has issues. I think he is an addict and a liar. Tell him your issues and see what he says. I will watch porn with you anytime. Give me a call!!Husband a porn addict?? or just a liar??? please advice?
First, please do not enter questions in all caps. They're very hard to read.
Yup. I sounds like he's addicted. That much money, the hiding, the lying, the self-recrimination.
No, you're not being too harsh if you're landing on him with both feet about it. I urge you to demand that he get into treatment and get into a program. Now! http://www.sa.org
However, you can choose to trust and respect. They're both informed choices, no doubt, but still purely your choice. The question you have to answer is: are you willing to walk the long and difficult road to recovery with him?
I think you two must of talked about your Dad and he got your thoughts on what you thought about it. He said to you what HE thought you wanted to hear. The more he thought of it being forbidden the more he got hooked into it. My first husband would talk to my family and tell them how bad it is for a person to cheat on their spouse. He would say that he would never do that to jeopardize our relationship well guess what he cheated on me. I think those type of men are habitual liars and they are so bad the start to believe their own lies. I would be angry at both. He lied and he is addicted to porn. He needs tough love. You either pack your things or pack his. He needs to learn a lesson.
It sounds like he is ashamed of him liking porn around you...and for good reasons! Porn is devastating to a marriage, not to mention lack of devotion and trust is causes a couple to have towards one another.
It makes both a liar, because porn shows that you don't want each other, you want something more than you both have to offer each other, therefore it would be open cheating if you both shared a porn interest together, he is just cheating without you now.
Loads of guys watch porn and like to watch it alone. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but he could still have a problem if it's getting addictive. Also depends how wierd the porn is. Another problem is the cost. These days there's no need to pay for porn online.
I'd confront him wth the bill, appear to accept whatever rubbish excuse he comes up with and see if the situation improves.
If you find out that for whatever reasons you still can't stand him then there's really only one option,
best of luck
Porn ruins lives. Make sure to get him some professional help.
You offered, good girl. No your not being too harsh. It turns him on and he is obviously ashamed about it for some reason.
I would add disgusted to your list. He has a good wife and he is too perverted to take advantage of the situation.
Great Googley-Moogley
he is both a porn addict and a liar...sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel. anyone who spends a thousand dollars in porn is addicted. if he gets very defensive and lies, etc....the two of you should go to counseling.
he probably didnt like the way you acted when you watched porn together, but yeah that is a lot of money to spend on internet porn when alot of the good stuff is free, he must be into some 2 girls 1 cup stuff, or donkey shows, either get on the boat or jump ship, once porn is in the bloodstream it will never go away
he is dumb. my hubby is not allowed to watch porn period so yours should be thankful that you offered to watch with him. He is a big fat liar. How is he going to talk about your dad like that and then do it himself. WTF
there are times when a man just needs to sit down by himself and spend quality time with his penis. whether or not he's recieving sex from a partner is irrelevant. all men masturbate by themselves often. the real question is why he's stupid enough to spend so much money on it.
Make a deal, he spends your money on porn, and you spend an equal amount on something else. Or how about you watch it with him? You might find that you actually enjoy it.
Let him open the mail from now on so that you will not find out about the porn movies....This should solve the problem.....
I don't see how a guy could not be turned on by watching...isn't that why it's so popular among mainly men? My husband will watch porn once in a while when I'm not home, or when we haven't been together for a while. I don't mind, at least he stays out of strip clubs and he's not cheating on me. As long as he's not spending our hard earned money on videos that we could make ourselves or watching strippers do what I could do for him...with a happy ending;) I don't understand why it's become this thing that everyone is ashamed to admit they watch. It's almost silly. As far as your situation, I'm sure he acted like he didn't like porn as to lead you to believe so. Maybe he's addicted. It becomes a hard habit to break. I think the whole idea that it's naughty makes it more alluring. He just didn't want to tell you, he may be embarrased. All I can say is communication, communication, communication!
sounds like you both have issues and need to be spanked for being bad
No, but do ask him why he spent so much money on this foolishness?
He is lying to you. Men always get turn on when they watch porn unless they just finish having sex few seconds ago..xD
I THINK HE IS A SELFISH LYING AZZHOLE AND WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING???!!!
$1000 in porn? My wife would kill me!!!
Just ask him what kind of porn he's into. Maybe it's gay or fetish porn that he's embarrased about. Or he likes it by himself so he can whack without you. I tried showing my wife some of my fetish porn and she said I could watch those by myself...lol
I think you have a right to be angry, especially since he's spending marital funds to ';fund his habit';. So much of it is out there for free, that I think he has some issues or he wouldn't be spending all that money on it.
I also think maybe he was a bit jealous of YOU watching it, and that's why he hid it. A lot of people like to run their own agenda behind the scenes, but want you to be the perfect, virgin wife/husband.
To me, hiding things (secrets) are lying by ommission.
Lying is one of my pet peeves.
Once the lying starts, the trust begins to crumble.
Without trust, you have nothing.
I'd sit him down and have a ';come to Jesus'; meeting.
If we couldn't compromise or get on the same page somehow, then the ball is back in MY court, and I have to decide what I'M going to do.
yea what a retard, he can just go to www.limewire.com and download it for free
you can install NetDog Porn Filter :http://www.netdogsoft.com on the computer, netdog will block all porn sites quitely in the background when your husband's on the internet.
';he is dumb. my hubby is not allowed to watch porn period';
ROFLMFAO - Talk about whipped.......
Frankly I don't see anything wrong with watching it, but the fact that he lied and spent the $$$ is a problem.
I see nothing wrong with naked people having sex, but lying and spending the family $$$ is an issue.
\weeder
PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHAT U THINK.
hottsophiesmom@yahoo.comHusband a porn addict?? or just a liar??? please advice?
I don't think you are being to harsh. He lied to you. Any guy who spends that kind of money on porn has issues. I think he is an addict and a liar. Tell him your issues and see what he says. I will watch porn with you anytime. Give me a call!!Husband a porn addict?? or just a liar??? please advice?
First, please do not enter questions in all caps. They're very hard to read.
Yup. I sounds like he's addicted. That much money, the hiding, the lying, the self-recrimination.
No, you're not being too harsh if you're landing on him with both feet about it. I urge you to demand that he get into treatment and get into a program. Now! http://www.sa.org
However, you can choose to trust and respect. They're both informed choices, no doubt, but still purely your choice. The question you have to answer is: are you willing to walk the long and difficult road to recovery with him?
I think you two must of talked about your Dad and he got your thoughts on what you thought about it. He said to you what HE thought you wanted to hear. The more he thought of it being forbidden the more he got hooked into it. My first husband would talk to my family and tell them how bad it is for a person to cheat on their spouse. He would say that he would never do that to jeopardize our relationship well guess what he cheated on me. I think those type of men are habitual liars and they are so bad the start to believe their own lies. I would be angry at both. He lied and he is addicted to porn. He needs tough love. You either pack your things or pack his. He needs to learn a lesson.
It sounds like he is ashamed of him liking porn around you...and for good reasons! Porn is devastating to a marriage, not to mention lack of devotion and trust is causes a couple to have towards one another.
It makes both a liar, because porn shows that you don't want each other, you want something more than you both have to offer each other, therefore it would be open cheating if you both shared a porn interest together, he is just cheating without you now.
Loads of guys watch porn and like to watch it alone. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you but he could still have a problem if it's getting addictive. Also depends how wierd the porn is. Another problem is the cost. These days there's no need to pay for porn online.
I'd confront him wth the bill, appear to accept whatever rubbish excuse he comes up with and see if the situation improves.
If you find out that for whatever reasons you still can't stand him then there's really only one option,
best of luck
Porn ruins lives. Make sure to get him some professional help.
You offered, good girl. No your not being too harsh. It turns him on and he is obviously ashamed about it for some reason.
I would add disgusted to your list. He has a good wife and he is too perverted to take advantage of the situation.
Great Googley-Moogley
he is both a porn addict and a liar...sit him down and calmly tell him how you feel. anyone who spends a thousand dollars in porn is addicted. if he gets very defensive and lies, etc....the two of you should go to counseling.
he probably didnt like the way you acted when you watched porn together, but yeah that is a lot of money to spend on internet porn when alot of the good stuff is free, he must be into some 2 girls 1 cup stuff, or donkey shows, either get on the boat or jump ship, once porn is in the bloodstream it will never go away
he is dumb. my hubby is not allowed to watch porn period so yours should be thankful that you offered to watch with him. He is a big fat liar. How is he going to talk about your dad like that and then do it himself. WTF
there are times when a man just needs to sit down by himself and spend quality time with his penis. whether or not he's recieving sex from a partner is irrelevant. all men masturbate by themselves often. the real question is why he's stupid enough to spend so much money on it.
Make a deal, he spends your money on porn, and you spend an equal amount on something else. Or how about you watch it with him? You might find that you actually enjoy it.
Let him open the mail from now on so that you will not find out about the porn movies....This should solve the problem.....
I don't see how a guy could not be turned on by watching...isn't that why it's so popular among mainly men? My husband will watch porn once in a while when I'm not home, or when we haven't been together for a while. I don't mind, at least he stays out of strip clubs and he's not cheating on me. As long as he's not spending our hard earned money on videos that we could make ourselves or watching strippers do what I could do for him...with a happy ending;) I don't understand why it's become this thing that everyone is ashamed to admit they watch. It's almost silly. As far as your situation, I'm sure he acted like he didn't like porn as to lead you to believe so. Maybe he's addicted. It becomes a hard habit to break. I think the whole idea that it's naughty makes it more alluring. He just didn't want to tell you, he may be embarrased. All I can say is communication, communication, communication!
sounds like you both have issues and need to be spanked for being bad
No, but do ask him why he spent so much money on this foolishness?
He is lying to you. Men always get turn on when they watch porn unless they just finish having sex few seconds ago..xD
I THINK HE IS A SELFISH LYING AZZHOLE AND WHY ARE WE ALL YELLING???!!!
$1000 in porn? My wife would kill me!!!
Just ask him what kind of porn he's into. Maybe it's gay or fetish porn that he's embarrased about. Or he likes it by himself so he can whack without you. I tried showing my wife some of my fetish porn and she said I could watch those by myself...lol
I think you have a right to be angry, especially since he's spending marital funds to ';fund his habit';. So much of it is out there for free, that I think he has some issues or he wouldn't be spending all that money on it.
I also think maybe he was a bit jealous of YOU watching it, and that's why he hid it. A lot of people like to run their own agenda behind the scenes, but want you to be the perfect, virgin wife/husband.
To me, hiding things (secrets) are lying by ommission.
Lying is one of my pet peeves.
Once the lying starts, the trust begins to crumble.
Without trust, you have nothing.
I'd sit him down and have a ';come to Jesus'; meeting.
If we couldn't compromise or get on the same page somehow, then the ball is back in MY court, and I have to decide what I'M going to do.
yea what a retard, he can just go to www.limewire.com and download it for free
you can install NetDog Porn Filter :http://www.netdogsoft.com on the computer, netdog will block all porn sites quitely in the background when your husband's on the internet.
';he is dumb. my hubby is not allowed to watch porn period';
ROFLMFAO - Talk about whipped.......
Frankly I don't see anything wrong with watching it, but the fact that he lied and spent the $$$ is a problem.
I see nothing wrong with naked people having sex, but lying and spending the family $$$ is an issue.
\weeder
Husband removed me from our joint account...need good advice?
About six months ago my husband decided to take me off our joint account. We were in debt and overdrafts up the wall ($1000)plus 7,000 in credit debt. This is totally irresponsible. We have been together 17 years, I have been a stay at home mom through out our marriage. My husband has been in and out of work. He has a difficult time keeping work ( I suspect it might have something to do with chronic lateness) but he swears that has nothing to do with it. He says I am just plain careless with money. This may be somewhat true but not entirely. We have 5 kids and I don't think he understands how expensive it is to supply each childs needs and run a home. I feel like a second class citizen. I have to ask for everything we need. He is somewhat understanding of it but we continue to argue about my being on the account. Is this an irrational fear? Is there any relationships out there that are going through a similar ordeal? I love my husband, but I feel somewhat lost in feeling secure. I also homeschool one child and have a three year old, working outside the home is not an option. I am attending school.Husband removed me from our joint account...need good advice?
Well, beings he wants to be a control freak about the checking, he can be a control freak when it comes time to go grocery shopping, cooking meals, soccer dad and anything else you can think of that you did %26amp; still do, that he doesn't do. My wife and I share everything and keep no secrets from each other. This would not be fair to my wife by taking her name off of stuff. If something happened to me, then how would she know how much we had or what we owed. Your both careless with money from the sounds of it. With the economy the way it is, you may consider getting a part-time job to help him out with the bills. I would find something that pays tips if I were you and save all the cash you can save without telling him. You need to think about you and your children. Also, you never know what the future has in store for you. He may want to divorce you, keep the kids and kick you to the curb. It's time to grow up girl and sacrafice things to support your family. If and when things get better, then go back to college, but right now your family needs you and maybe even your husband even if he doesn't admit it.Husband removed me from our joint account...need good advice?
If your finances have been fixed by this, then as the other answerer said, just suck it up.
If not, then he needs to realize that a marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
FYI other answerers, you CAN remove a person from a joint account. The bank will CLOSE the joint account, and open another one in your name only.
first of all your husband can not take you off a JOINT account. if he told u that he is not telling u the truth. you have to go to the bank yourself to remove your own name. and yeah that's BS. both of y'all need to try better. you have 5 kids to teach things like saving money and how to be a good employee. among a million other things.
The real question here is did he get the finances under control this way? If he did, then suck it up and deal with it until you reach a point that you are working too. When you start to work, put your pay into an account that he doesn't have access to. But until then, go along... if he got the finances under control then that's a good thing. He will quickly realize how the expenses add up on his own.
how could he remove you from the account. It is a federal law that you HAVE to go in there and sign your name off.... I would check into this a bit further.
First and foremost provide receipts for each childs needs. You might need some money managing skills, TRUE, but no excuse of taking the joint account away. He CAN control you because he knows YOU don't have any other source of income besides himself. SO what YOU need to do is ';ACT LIKE'; you are going to find a job, leave him with the kids SENSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR DAYCARE ****wink**** and let him stay with the kids ALL DAY. He thinks it's an easy job, because they are just kids, but don't understand because he isn't there ALL DAY with the kids
If you were the one writting the bad checks, and racking up all the overdraft fees, then I think your husband was right in taking you off the account. If you were the one who did it, then you've already shown that you are very irresponsible with money, and that you don't know how to manage your funds very well. I think that at least for now, it would be best for you to not have access to the checking account.. to prevent any further debt.
That being said, if it was BOTH of you who were out writting the checks, and using the credit cards.. then you are BOTH equally responsible, and should work together to get your finances back in order.
I know it must be frustrating to not have access to the checking account. But really, I think that (if you did write the checks) it's the best thing to do, at least for the time being, while you all get your finances back in order.
One more thing - If money is that tight for you all, then you should really look into cutting out whatever unnecessary expenses you have (internet, cable/satellite tv..etc.) until it all gets sorted out.
I wish you the best!
well i dont think its possible for him to remove you fro the account...did u call the bank?!
also he is really being irresponsable , my husband did the same thing...i went to pay for my lunch and i had to write a check b.c he turned my debit card off....
bastard!
we have 3 kids total ...i think you should do e-bay to make more money i make about$500 in a week..go through your kids old clothes and sell them!!!
also your husband is an idiot(like mine) he needs to realize u dont ahve to ask him for money!!! he should give you what you need for HIS kids!
and thats that!!
or you can tell him to go buy everythign and go get grocerys and walmart and whatever else u use money for.....he wont like that to much(if hes anything like my husband) LOL
If he controls the money, is he also the one that actually does the paying of the bills? Maybe he thinks that you are the soul cause of the debt you are in. Let him have his way and if things don't change then he will see that is was not your fault. If he can get you out of the hole you are in, then you had a lot to do with it.
I have a sister in law that LOVES to spend money, A LOT OF MONEY. My brother had her taken off his account too and he ended up having to open another account in his own name with our mother just to make sure that at least his house payment was made every month. The house is in his name only, they had to file bankruptcy because they almost lost the house because she never paid the payment, he works out of town and is gone for 3 wks out of the month and was not able to keep up with the bills himself due to his job. The sad thing is that he brings home about 2 thousand a week, and she works and brings home quit a bit week yet they are ALWAYS broke and have very few bills. All she is suppose to do is pay the utilities phone, electric, gas, water and she can't even do that because she never has enough money and they are always getting turned off...WHY we just can't figure it out other than the U.P.S. guys coming to their house EVERY DAY dropping off something new.
Well, beings he wants to be a control freak about the checking, he can be a control freak when it comes time to go grocery shopping, cooking meals, soccer dad and anything else you can think of that you did %26amp; still do, that he doesn't do. My wife and I share everything and keep no secrets from each other. This would not be fair to my wife by taking her name off of stuff. If something happened to me, then how would she know how much we had or what we owed. Your both careless with money from the sounds of it. With the economy the way it is, you may consider getting a part-time job to help him out with the bills. I would find something that pays tips if I were you and save all the cash you can save without telling him. You need to think about you and your children. Also, you never know what the future has in store for you. He may want to divorce you, keep the kids and kick you to the curb. It's time to grow up girl and sacrafice things to support your family. If and when things get better, then go back to college, but right now your family needs you and maybe even your husband even if he doesn't admit it.Husband removed me from our joint account...need good advice?
If your finances have been fixed by this, then as the other answerer said, just suck it up.
If not, then he needs to realize that a marriage is a partnership, not a dictatorship.
FYI other answerers, you CAN remove a person from a joint account. The bank will CLOSE the joint account, and open another one in your name only.
first of all your husband can not take you off a JOINT account. if he told u that he is not telling u the truth. you have to go to the bank yourself to remove your own name. and yeah that's BS. both of y'all need to try better. you have 5 kids to teach things like saving money and how to be a good employee. among a million other things.
The real question here is did he get the finances under control this way? If he did, then suck it up and deal with it until you reach a point that you are working too. When you start to work, put your pay into an account that he doesn't have access to. But until then, go along... if he got the finances under control then that's a good thing. He will quickly realize how the expenses add up on his own.
how could he remove you from the account. It is a federal law that you HAVE to go in there and sign your name off.... I would check into this a bit further.
First and foremost provide receipts for each childs needs. You might need some money managing skills, TRUE, but no excuse of taking the joint account away. He CAN control you because he knows YOU don't have any other source of income besides himself. SO what YOU need to do is ';ACT LIKE'; you are going to find a job, leave him with the kids SENSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY MONEY FOR DAYCARE ****wink**** and let him stay with the kids ALL DAY. He thinks it's an easy job, because they are just kids, but don't understand because he isn't there ALL DAY with the kids
If you were the one writting the bad checks, and racking up all the overdraft fees, then I think your husband was right in taking you off the account. If you were the one who did it, then you've already shown that you are very irresponsible with money, and that you don't know how to manage your funds very well. I think that at least for now, it would be best for you to not have access to the checking account.. to prevent any further debt.
That being said, if it was BOTH of you who were out writting the checks, and using the credit cards.. then you are BOTH equally responsible, and should work together to get your finances back in order.
I know it must be frustrating to not have access to the checking account. But really, I think that (if you did write the checks) it's the best thing to do, at least for the time being, while you all get your finances back in order.
One more thing - If money is that tight for you all, then you should really look into cutting out whatever unnecessary expenses you have (internet, cable/satellite tv..etc.) until it all gets sorted out.
I wish you the best!
well i dont think its possible for him to remove you fro the account...did u call the bank?!
also he is really being irresponsable , my husband did the same thing...i went to pay for my lunch and i had to write a check b.c he turned my debit card off....
bastard!
we have 3 kids total ...i think you should do e-bay to make more money i make about$500 in a week..go through your kids old clothes and sell them!!!
also your husband is an idiot(like mine) he needs to realize u dont ahve to ask him for money!!! he should give you what you need for HIS kids!
and thats that!!
or you can tell him to go buy everythign and go get grocerys and walmart and whatever else u use money for.....he wont like that to much(if hes anything like my husband) LOL
If he controls the money, is he also the one that actually does the paying of the bills? Maybe he thinks that you are the soul cause of the debt you are in. Let him have his way and if things don't change then he will see that is was not your fault. If he can get you out of the hole you are in, then you had a lot to do with it.
I have a sister in law that LOVES to spend money, A LOT OF MONEY. My brother had her taken off his account too and he ended up having to open another account in his own name with our mother just to make sure that at least his house payment was made every month. The house is in his name only, they had to file bankruptcy because they almost lost the house because she never paid the payment, he works out of town and is gone for 3 wks out of the month and was not able to keep up with the bills himself due to his job. The sad thing is that he brings home about 2 thousand a week, and she works and brings home quit a bit week yet they are ALWAYS broke and have very few bills. All she is suppose to do is pay the utilities phone, electric, gas, water and she can't even do that because she never has enough money and they are always getting turned off...WHY we just can't figure it out other than the U.P.S. guys coming to their house EVERY DAY dropping off something new.
Husband on drugs! almost 6 months pregnant! please give advice?
my husband has a drug problem. he is addicted to crystal meth he was clean when we got married but shortly after started using again. so now im pregnant and we are not even living together because of his drug use. every time i talk to him or see him he accuses me of cheating (even though im pregnant) and he calls me a wh*re and b*tch and every name you could think of. it really hurts me. i really love this man we have known each other since we were 13 years old. he also lives a couple blocks from me at the moment. just lately he turned his phone off and hasn't talked to me for 2 days and i feel horrible i know its stupid but i really want to just go over to where he is living and try to talk to him. i worry about him and love him. do you think i should just show up at his house or should i just leave him alone? any advice from someone who has been in a similar situation?Husband on drugs! almost 6 months pregnant! please give advice?
My sister got with a guy that she didnt know was a drug addict he kept saying he was gonna do better she had a daughter with him and he was there for her son since he was a baby anyways 8 years later kids lifes are ruined her life is ruined her kids were almost taken by state and now he is finally in jail but those kids are ruined for life mentally and also with somone being hooked on drugs eventually there money runs out and they turn too selling stuff your stuff think about your child right now let him go and deal with his issues when he is done he will be back good luckHusband on drugs! almost 6 months pregnant! please give advice?
OK this is going to be harsh ,do you really want to be with a man who is a drug taker. Do you want to bring your child into the world with this man who obviously disrespects you and his unborn child i would break free from this man if only for your child who deserves a safe environment to be brought up in .You are worth more than this man .
Wow, this guy is definitely bad news. Think of it this way, if your daughter dated a guy like him who treated her that way, wouldn't you want her to move on? You need to focus on your baby now, he needs to be out of the picture. But, if you stay with him, then you know the stress and trouble you're causing yourself AND your unborn child. NOT healthy.
hey jenn i understand this must be hard for you. I want to take this opportunity to send out my well wishes towards you. However, I think that you should forget about him he is only going to bring you down. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your baby try to stay happy during your pregnancy it helps in the long run. Being around a drug addict is potentially a dangerous situation for you and your child, there is no telling what he might do and you need to focus on your safety first. I am pretty sure that you love him and that fact has you hurting but right now you are not in a position to help him, he needs a professional. If you would like to help him you should see about getting one for him. But right now you need to focus on yourself you are lucky that you are giving the gift of life to somebody. Many people \want to and cant.
Also you have to think in terms of your future if you go back to him what kind of life would it result in for your child and yourself. He can potentially be a woman beater and child abuser and you should not expose yourself and your child to that ..
And in times of weakness never discount the love of God. Pray to him it might help, maybe not at first but eventually.
It would be the stupidest move ever to hang on to this man until he proves his sobriety for at least a year. You aren't just dealing with yourself anymore. . . you have a child to worry about. You can't bring this child into the world where it will be around a drug addict as a father. And meth! That's like the worst of the worst! Meth addicts are prone to unpredictable and violent behavior. This is NOT safe for you or your baby.
You can't force someone to get sober. You can't rationalize with them. He has to make the decision on his own. It might take jail, or a health crisis like a heart attack which wakes him up to what he's doing to himself. He isn't going to do it for the sake of you or this pregnancy. And you don't deserve this kind of abuse, being called names and accused of being a cheater.
You need to gain some self esteem, independence, and shift the focus of your life off of this man and onto your unborn child. If you keep pursuing him in the hopes of changing him, you are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak, and setting your child up for a lifetime of misery. The choice is yours.
My sister got with a guy that she didnt know was a drug addict he kept saying he was gonna do better she had a daughter with him and he was there for her son since he was a baby anyways 8 years later kids lifes are ruined her life is ruined her kids were almost taken by state and now he is finally in jail but those kids are ruined for life mentally and also with somone being hooked on drugs eventually there money runs out and they turn too selling stuff your stuff think about your child right now let him go and deal with his issues when he is done he will be back good luckHusband on drugs! almost 6 months pregnant! please give advice?
OK this is going to be harsh ,do you really want to be with a man who is a drug taker. Do you want to bring your child into the world with this man who obviously disrespects you and his unborn child i would break free from this man if only for your child who deserves a safe environment to be brought up in .You are worth more than this man .
Wow, this guy is definitely bad news. Think of it this way, if your daughter dated a guy like him who treated her that way, wouldn't you want her to move on? You need to focus on your baby now, he needs to be out of the picture. But, if you stay with him, then you know the stress and trouble you're causing yourself AND your unborn child. NOT healthy.
hey jenn i understand this must be hard for you. I want to take this opportunity to send out my well wishes towards you. However, I think that you should forget about him he is only going to bring you down. Right now you need to focus on yourself and your baby try to stay happy during your pregnancy it helps in the long run. Being around a drug addict is potentially a dangerous situation for you and your child, there is no telling what he might do and you need to focus on your safety first. I am pretty sure that you love him and that fact has you hurting but right now you are not in a position to help him, he needs a professional. If you would like to help him you should see about getting one for him. But right now you need to focus on yourself you are lucky that you are giving the gift of life to somebody. Many people \want to and cant.
Also you have to think in terms of your future if you go back to him what kind of life would it result in for your child and yourself. He can potentially be a woman beater and child abuser and you should not expose yourself and your child to that ..
And in times of weakness never discount the love of God. Pray to him it might help, maybe not at first but eventually.
It would be the stupidest move ever to hang on to this man until he proves his sobriety for at least a year. You aren't just dealing with yourself anymore. . . you have a child to worry about. You can't bring this child into the world where it will be around a drug addict as a father. And meth! That's like the worst of the worst! Meth addicts are prone to unpredictable and violent behavior. This is NOT safe for you or your baby.
You can't force someone to get sober. You can't rationalize with them. He has to make the decision on his own. It might take jail, or a health crisis like a heart attack which wakes him up to what he's doing to himself. He isn't going to do it for the sake of you or this pregnancy. And you don't deserve this kind of abuse, being called names and accused of being a cheater.
You need to gain some self esteem, independence, and shift the focus of your life off of this man and onto your unborn child. If you keep pursuing him in the hopes of changing him, you are only setting yourself up for more heartbreak, and setting your child up for a lifetime of misery. The choice is yours.
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