Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?

i have met my husband 3 years ago and its been hell since we got close. he had several dating pages, was married at the time (didn't know, met him overseas) and after many months i found out he was married, he got divorced, but he still slept with her whenever he went to ';see'; the kids. yes, i know, a guy like that is pretty bad anyway. on top of that he had internet relationships with other women going on. from the time i met him, i suddenly lost my self esteem, felt that if only he values me and finds me beautiful, then i am. i dont like him as a person, he is bad for me, in fact he is not a good person and threatened to kill me and got very abusive with me, but i dont want him to have anyone else. he has the power to make me feel ugly, i will try my best to be pretty for him, because thats so important to him. i dont want this, i want to leave and am getting counseling right now. any experience?


i know this all sounds crazy and it is...i am losing my mind.


please no rude comments. i am very lonely, dont have any friends, family or support in this country so its hard enough.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Sounds like he was using you especially if he was sleeping with his x wife. It only says things that hurt for the very same reason it gets to you and so you will only stay with him to use you even more. If you allow a person to abuse you, you don't have any respect for yourself and allowing it makes him have even more disrespect for you. I would turn the table, don't listen to what he says to you, love yourself. I would start stashing some money away. Open up a bank account with your name only another bank not the one your using now, and keep putting some money away. Hopefully you have a job, if not nows the time to start looking, wait until you have some plans in place. But if he is abusive it will only get worse. Don't leave high and dry, go get yourself a good attorney and file for divorce. Your safety is the most important thing. This guy is a user abuser and you deserve better.Husband has so much power over my self esteem. advice or experience would be great.?
Hi there.


It does not sound good to me...I must say.


According to your saying it looks like he is only using you for his needs, and your marriage are only valid on the papers. You sounds young and I understand that have no friends or family to speak to.


If I were you I would go to a social worker in my town, explain her the situation as it is (I did not like the part of abusing , this is the most important thing you should think about!) , she will guide you to the right people who will assist you in this matter.





No woman on earth should feel like you or be in your situation. Your relationship (if we could call it this way) is wrong from the core and needs to be change immediately.





He will never change for you and will continue his ways for ever. It is cleared that he does not respect you what so ever, or has any inside connection to you. He is using you for his needs and no more than that.





It is sad to hear it and I feel sorry fro you , but YOU are the only one that can help to yourself !!!


First you need to understand that there is no chance to this relationship at all and you need to walk out of it ASAP.





Then you need to learn to respect yourself as you are! You are the centre of your world and if you don't take care of yourself , no one will do it for you.





Respect yourself, believe in your powers, stand for your tights and take action! Don't just stand there and look how your life goes to hell!





I assume there are no kids there since you did not mention kid at all, but if there are kids there - then you should do it for them!!!





I wish you all the best and hope you will have the power to do the right thing! God bless you!
About abuse…How are you affected?





* Are you unable or afraid to make decisions for yourself?


* Do you do anything you can to please your partner or not upset him?


* Do you make excuses for your partner's behaviour?


* Are you forgetful, confused or unable to concentrate?


* Have you noticed changes in your eating, sleeping, alcohol or drug use?


* Have you lost interest or energy to do the things you used to?


* Do you feel sick, anxious, tired or depressed a lot of the time?


* Have you lost contact with your friends, family or neighbours?


* Have you lost self-confidence and feel afraid that you could not make it alone?





What can you do about it?





* Realize that emotional abuse is a serious problem and you can get help.


* Recognize that emotional abuse is as bad or worse than physical abuse.


* Take your own safety and the safety of your children seriously.


* Know that emotional abuse can lead to physical violence or death.


* Know that you are not to blame for your partner's abusive behaviour.


* Find people to talk to that can support you. Consider going for counselling.


* Do not give up if community professionals are not helpful. Keep looking for


* Someone that will listen to you and take emotional abuse seriously.


* Recognize that you have the right to make your own decisions, in your own time, and that dealing with any form of abuse may take time.


* Trust yourself and your own experiences.


Believe in your own strengths. Remember that you are your own best source of knowledge and strength, and that you already have the tools you need to survive.


......................................…


• One of the most devastating effects of living with a verbal abuser is the change in self-esteem. As women begin to internalize the criticism and believe it's valid, self-image sinks lower and lower. They start feeling worthless, incompetent, unlovable. After all, when someone who knows them so well thinks they are so worthless and unlovable, then ';it must be true.';


Sticks and stones ... and that saying of old keeps many women in place until verbal abuse has destroyed self-esteem, making leaving even harder. They even start thinking that if this man loves them, they should hold on to him.


•


The fact that verbal abusers are quite often charming people adds to the confusion. The abuser can turn on the charm with the woman he is abusing, making her doubt her instincts.


•


If the woman does challenge the abuser, he might turn on the charm and even make her doubt her instincts. This lowers her self-confidence even further.


Other abusers have stock answers when challenged. He might answer with:


';What's wrong with you, making such a big deal out of nothing…!”


';Come on, honey, I was drunk..” .....


';Honey, I love you… but sometimes you make me say mean things...';


';I had a bad day at work ...';


';You're not really going to bring this up again, are you? This is getting old.';


';I was upset with my ex,';


';You know I didn't mean anything I said. I'm the one who loves you more than anyone else in the world loves you--remember.';





Start by acknowledging the abuse. This is not an easy thing to do, especially as your self-esteem is weakened. Outside help may be necessary because family, friends, and relatives are often under the spell of your ';charmer'; and don't offer belief or support. Make plans to create a better environment for yourself. Don't stay too long, though, because every time your self-esteem sinks further, you lessen your chances of actually leaving.





Remember, verbal abuse escalates. Verbal abuse can- and sometimes does,- turn physical.
next time he goes out ..PACK YOUR BAGS .. and leave him.. .. its the only way forward for you ..
only you can control who you give your own power to. the counselor probably has already told you that. it's so hard, but you are going to have to break apart from him to rebuild yourself. remember who you are and who you were before you met him. you are still, the same, beautiful and trusting spirit. you just gave it to someone who doesn't value the precious gift of your heart. sounds like you are already trying to break apart gradually.. just go at your own pace, get some outside interests away from him and people that make you feel good. try your church or the like and try some local groups or book clubs. you sound as though you are little by little getting stronger. it will bother him if you start working out and spending alot of time at the gym and make some friends there. next time he puts you down, say whatever, and say im going to hang at the gym.it will drive him crazy.he will see that you don't care and he will panic because he will see he's losing his grip on you. when you are strong in your mind, spirit and body- leave him, but start your savings and planning now. remember, you can do anything you put your mind to..good luck you can do it