My husband used to be really mean to me and now he has gotten better, but I'm not in love with him. Advice?

I've been married for just over 4 years. I have two little girls, ages 3 and 1. Since i had the baby, my husband has been really mean to me, disrespectful in front of our friends, won't help with the house at all, insulting, and he hasn't really wanted to have much to do with me sexually.





About 3 weeks ago, i told him that i am not in love with him anymore. That i really don't feel any emotion towards him at all. Since then, he has been much nicer, has been helping me out during the day while I'm at work and has wanted me in bed again, but i still don't feel anything. He even wants to go to marriage counseling. I love him more like a good friend or something, but am not in love.





I've started having feelings for a guy that i met. We haven't done anything, but I really like him and I don't know what to do. I feel like i should stick it out for my girls, but i know that's not always good and in a case like my own parents, it hurts the kids more than it helps.





Any advice?My husband used to be really mean to me and now he has gotten better, but I'm not in love with him. Advice?
We men are ungreatful and not so complicated creatures. Let me start with the 'ungreatful' part...we feel that once we're married we have to stop doing the things our wife fell in love with. We don't do it on purpose (a lot of the times) it's just that we feel secure, we feel that we already have what we fight for.... so why do it. right?..


Don't get me wrong, we get married for the same reasons you do, but we feel the emotion and feeling part of the reationship is yours and that we must be the strong one, but to be honest, most of the times we get carried away thru the years, we feel our relationship is going to be like this forever and that you will always be with us no matter what we do...major mistake!


Here's where the 'not so complicated creatures' part comes in...We love you girls. Married men love their wives, believe that. (we're dumb and clumsy expressing it, but we do).


Your husband is trying to win your affection back again...give him the chance, let him fight for you, let him see how special you are, and don't forget to tell him it's not a ';passing thing'; what you feel.


And please, don't let a problem unsolved, if you feel there's a problem with 'anything' discuss it right away, don't wait for another problem to come up and then let 'all' problems come out at once. (this goes for both of you).


Now, Feelings are a funny thing, they come and go...right now you feel the need for affection and your getting it from this other person but you're the only one who decide where that goes and unless you decide to give your husband another chance, don't ever tell him about it.


I wish you the best.My husband used to be really mean to me and now he has gotten better, but I'm not in love with him. Advice?
Do yo want to leave your husband or is friendly love enough? Make that decision before you proceed with your new relationship.





Do not stick it out for the girls...you are not doing them any favors.
I don't think you should divorce. I read about an author whose wife fell out of love with him because of how he kept mistreating her and told him that she ';loved him but wasn't in love with him anymore'; and that they should consider divorce. He was shocked and realized he wasn't really loving his wife as God told him to and as a child of divorce he hated divorce. He continues love her the way Christ intended Him to and they're having a loving marriage today.
Since he's willing, go to counseling with him. It can't hurt, it might certainly help, and if it doesn't work out, you'll know you've done your best.





Good luck.
It's a good idea to split now while your girls are still young, so they can adjust easier and really, they won't have a memory of your marriage which is a good thing.





gl w/the new guy- wish u the best.
Dont do anything yet with the new guy. Just like you are not ready to love your husband back, you are not ready for a new relationship/affair (whatever you want to call it) yet. I know where you are coming from. After years of neglect, it's possible to fall ';out of love.'; That's what happened to you. Even though, it's hard to know how your feelings will evolve in terms of your husband, but now is not the time to make any decision about anything or anybody. Allow your self to feel the way you feel. Dont force your self to give in to loving your husband, if that's how you feel. Tell him exactly what you told us, but be more elaborate. I hope he'll listen since he seems to be turning around his ways. Relationship cannot ever become better on false feeling. Share them with him. When you let it out nicely, tell him that you need time by yourself and that you hope he'll respect your needs. Stay away from the affair, it's only a distraction. Remember, it's very easy to undo something. Creating is hard. Give your self lots of time. Tell him that you appreciate his effort but you still need time to heal and sort feelings out. At some point, you'll find your answers. Yes, a marriage counselor is a great idea. Or better yet, go see one just for your self. Give your self time and be patient with this ordeal. Good luck
Stay away from the guy you feel attracted to. Take your husband up on marriage counseling. All marriages go through periods like this. You have to get through it. If you end things now you will just have it happen again with your next relationship. No one is in love all of the time. Love is why you marry but it takes work to keep the embers going. You and your husband both owe it to your marriage, and your children, to see if there is anything left to salvage in your relationship. Only then will you know if you are ready to move on. Lots of people find each other again after they learn how to communicate. So my advice is for you to do everything you can to save your marriage before you throw in the towel.
If you really didn't love this man, you'd leave. You're probably burned out, because of the way he treated you. Go to the marriage counseling and start working on the marriage. He's obviously willing.
If you know for sure that you are not in love with your husband, that you know 100% you're not experiencing puppy love with this new guy that may seem like you don't love your husband, than you should leave him. Being happier will leave you with happier kids. I would try marriage counseling if not for anything else to at least show your children and yourself later on that you at tried instead of just giving up.
Sticking it out is never good for the children. They learn what a loving relationship is from their parents and you and your husband would be a terrible example. Also, he is being nice now because he thought he was going to lose you. Once you show that you are going to stick it out, he will go back to abusing you or as you put it being mean.





You should file for divorce and move into your own place. There is no way that staying in a bad marriage will be good for you or your children.





Take care,


Troy
Put interms of life changes you have been on a roller coaster.


Marriage, first kid, second kid, husband having difficulty coping, you having difficulty coping, up down up down up down.


Right now you have decided you don't feel good emotion for him. He has been dealing with the very same issues.


Did you approach this marriage with so little commitment that you are willing to walk without effort.


You admit he has been better of late why can't you accept it as a positive sign and start over?


People change, sometimes for the better sometimes for the worse but change is inevitable especially when faced with as much life change as you have experienced in a short time.


Your love changed why can't it change again.?





This stuff is not easy, it never was. I think it is a serious error to give up without effort to correct it. It never ceases to amaze me how many answers here include get divorced the kids will be better off. NO they won't. The kids are also not better if you stay together for the children either. The kids are better off with parents who have enough commitment to work on their marriage and stay together because they have learned to effect positive change and love each other again.


My advice is get your head back in your marriage for a while.


Accept that he attempting to correct things. Also admit that you have been pregnant for a year and a half and with small children for the rest of a very young marriage.


Whether you succeed or not you owe it to yourself, your husband and your children to make an attempt to fix things. Half the job is done it seems, he understands it. now its your turn.


Quit thinking of moving out and putting your emotional energy into another guy. Take him up on that counseling and get busy.





As for the meanness and disrespect, I can tell you from my experience that dealing with a pregnant and post partum woman is not easy. Sexuality is also difficult given this circumstance. Guys learn to take a back seat. It is hard to get back in the saddle.


It sounds like he is motivated. You should applaud that and quit being so stubborn in giving up your complaint.


Your children will be better off with two parents who have figured out how to effect positive change in a relationship.





Tolerance and compromise, its past time to learn to use those tools.
You probably never communicated effectively before and now that you have, your husband knows how you feel and has reflected on his prior actions (or lack of). Sure the grass may seem greener now, but think about the pain your daughters will endure. They should come first. Everything is great when you start a new relationship...remember how it was when you and your husband first started. He is obviously trying to make things better and you are shutting out the possibility of making it work because you are currently distracted by this ';new'; guy. In reality, if we don't learn to fix our problems, we carry them on to next relationship and you will continue a pattern of simply ';giving up';. You had two daughter with your husband and you should put as much effort as possible in fixing this as life will not be easy for you if you move on, and you may regret it. Good luck
i am in the same place as you but I married because I was expecting my son and now we have 2 kids and I dont love him I dont think I ever did in truth. he doesnt help me do anything around the house or help with our kids. Dont stay in the relationship just because you have children because they will pick up on whats going on between the two of you and every one will be unhappy
The new guy is exactly why you are not in love with your husband anymore. I have been in this exact situation EXACT! I can promise you that you will totally regret this decision. Once the newness and excitement wears off (and it always does) you will miss your family and your husband and being a single mom takes every bit of energy you have if you are a good mother. You are clearly going to do what you want and I think you are looking for some reassurance or support to go with this new guy....sorry sweetheart but you are walking into disaster and heartahe and your kids are going to learn a very bad lesson hear. ';for better or worse'; or until you just get bored........ask yourself this one question...do you want them to turn out like you? Quitter, not worthy of their word, unaccountable....need I go on?
Don't stick around for the children's sake because you'll make matters worse for them, but then again, give your ex one more chance to prove to you that he's worthy. Go ahead and seek a marriage counselor, and after a few months, if things have not gotten ANY better at all for you (as in your feelings towards him) then go ahead and get a divorce. However, you need to just stay FRIENDS with this new guy you met. Your husband may be dealing with some tough things on his end, and for a long time, didn't know how to deal with them and treat you at the same time. Lots of guys get confused in life with so much on their plate, and who's to say the next guy who's with you won't do it too? It sounds though, like your husband is making a valiant effort to set things right and you need to also make a strong effort to try to accept that and see where it goes. Don't end something that could've been great by letting past conflicts rule your life and emotions.


My husband and I were in the same boat about a year ago. He was being mean and all the things your husband was doing. We talked about it, and we sought help, and now things are better than EVER, and it hurts me inside sometimes to think that I almost let this man who loves me more than life go because we didn't know how to communicate properly. Give it a try, seriously, it couldn't hurt. But don't pursue anything with this other guy or let him into your relationship because it's detrimental that your husband and yourself try working this out WITHOUT the influence of another guy giving you false promises in your ear. I'm not saying that your wrong or crazy, if anyone understands your situation, I do, but try to understand my point. Don't let it go until you've put up a good fight this one last time.
I really don't think staying in a loveless relationship can be good for any child. If you stay with him, you will only be making your chidren's life miserable...not to mention yours! Think of your children, they deserve a happy life and so do you. Good luck.
Oh Dear...


Go talk to someone..your Priest or a nice counselor,


remember what it was like in the early days of your relationship, and what it felt like when you and your husband fell in love


Yes when people especially our spouces are mean top use time after time, we have a tendancy to turn ';OFF'; our emotions, and dispose of the relationship. seeking attention elsewhere, this new guy is still bright and shiney like a Christmas toy, is he really someone..(a man who would uproot a family, step into a husbands place, disrupt the children) someone you want around your precious children?


we live in a disposable world, disposable plates, diapers, clothing, we dont expect anything to last, talk to someone and see if your relationship is built to withstand time, or if it like a dirty diaper is disposable
i would say if he is willing to go to marraige counseling go with him. you may not feel like you love him anymore because of his behavior in the past and you are just waiting for it to return. try everything to keep the marraige together first then if it doesn't work then do what you need to do. but try for a while... not just a week or two. it's not like shopping for a car. give it a few months and see how things go.
Only 4 years of marriage? that is nothing


I do believe that your husband could not couple with new responsability. Nevertheless, you talk about and he changed as you say. So, he made the first move towards you and a better relationship.


you maybe are confused,because expecteded much more than was given; but life is just like that. Can you imagine if every time somebody is nasty or unkind you just changed your idea and opinion and just walk away.How many times this will happen?


Love means to give and receive, forgiveness;tolerance,comprehension.


You got 2 children, think about them. This new man you supposedly are atracted to is only a illusion of having,maybe, a new toy.


Give yor husndad a chance, If it doesn't work, then you can make up your mind for good.
you can't solve this situation with your husband by having feeling for another man. put any %26amp; all energy into fixing your marriage.
Please don't stay with him just because you have children together. Although my sister and I are 18 and 23, my mother is still with my father because of us, even though throughout their marriage there has been nothing but turmoil, emotional abuse, and misery. The best thing she could've done for us was divorce him. You can't force yourself to love someone. I think you telling him that you weren't in love with him anymore was a huge wake up call for him, although it is too late. You should be upfront with him again and tell him you do not want to go to counseling because there is nothing to save and that he can continue to have a relationship with his children. Best wishes!
We basically have the same situation except that he still wants me sexually. i really dont care. anyway, for me my decision is to stick it out for my kids instead of turning my whole world upside down for the new man. I dont know for how long can i keep it up with my husband that I no longer love but I do care about him and I love my kids deeply. As long as he is a good dad then our marriage is likely to stay put. He better make sure not to hurt me physically again. He did once a long time ago when we would fight over his coming home during the wee hours of the morning.
I believe, unfortunately, that once your feelings change there is nothing you can do........





If there is a chance to rectify it you will both need time apart to be able to achieve a clean slate.





His actions have slowly pushed you away and it sounds like its too little too late.


If you are developing feelings for someone else then i think that your marriage is emotionally over. You do have to consider your two little girls, just realise that the 3 yr old might already be sensing something wrong and it won't take long for both of them to know that things are not OK.





If you know in your heart that it's over then i believe in the long term you are probably better off moving on.





Your husband has issues doing on and his sudden change of behaviour was brought on because of your confession, there's a possibility that once things settle down again he will resume with the old behaviour. The cause of his actions haven't been dealt with so it hasn't been resolved.





All the best.





Chi Chi x.
Heya im not great with these things but i think you guys should split otherwise you will be miserable being with him and the kiddies will pick up on this.
You both sound like you are in junior high, as if you and your husband are boyfriend and girlfriend, not husband and wife. You developing a friendship with another man, and his borderline abusiveness (humiliating you in front of others, let alone at all) are so disrespectful to each other and the promise you made to each other in marraige that you should both be ashamed.





Did you marry him in a church, because if you did then your marraige is not just a promise to your husband, but to God as well. People tend to forget that marraige is a sacrament. And that at the root of sacrament is sacrifice.





Why are you developing such a close friendship with another man? That is bad. That could be clouding your judgement. Your husband's bad behavior does not justify your bad behavior.





Where is your respect for the sacrament you made? Your husband's behavior is wrong. It sounds like maybe he's come around, and realized how valuable his wife, children, and family are to him. It is cruel to be as selfish and mean as he was, especially after you sacrificed to have his children. Preganancy and mothering impacts your moods, and body, and life as a whole. He no doubt owes you one for not being there for you in a loving way after having the baby,





If he was just acting out, and not being abusive then don't give up on your marraige so soon. Go back to the beginning, allow yourself to fall back in love with him. Surely you didn't marry him for no good reason. Hopefully you had good reason to marry him in the first place. Go to counseling, start over. Having a new family can be stressful on everyone. Don't do anything you will regret by giving up, or by being with someone else. Do the right thing. Start by telling your guy friend to beat it... you're married.