2 weeks ago, he left his computer open on the coffee table when he had to run out on an emergency (he is a firefighter) On it, was a yahoo messenger box, with a name that left nothing to the imagination and it was clearly someone looking to meet bi men. He had a whole list of contacts. He has had this active profile for a year.
I threw up, and waited till he got home. At first, he denied everything but I had too much proof. We did not talk for days, only if it was something about the kids would we speak. Finally we sat down last night and had an open conversation. He said that he started with a group of friends a year or so ago setting up a new cadets profile under a gay site so he would get emails from gay men. It was all to be a joke. Then he was curious when he got home and it went from there. He says that it is something he can do to get away from reality (talk to bi or gay men) and he would never meet up in ';real life'; and it was just something that he found ';intriguing';. I asked him many times if he had ever done anything other then chat and he says no. He says that he does not have that strong of a desire, it is just a thing that interested him on the net alone.
I do not think that he has met any of these people. They weren't local. I don't want to sound naive...but...
We are together most always. We WORK together even. If he is not with me, he is with the kids or I could easily account to where he is. We have a happy sex life, but for the past 2 weeks have not slept together (my choice)
I guess what I am asking is this. I know women who get turned on by lesbian porn but are ';straight'; Is it possible that he is just living out a fantasy via chatting? Like, do I trust him not to go out and have sex with a gay man?
I have been searching for answers and I just don't know. I have confided in my best friend who said that many men have these fantasies but don't act them out and many never get caught like he did. But he has had this profile for a year...this is not new.
I don't want to go to counseling. He would not either.
I am thankful he was as open as he was about this, but can I trust that he says it's just a fantasy on the internet only?
We had such a stable marriage.I think my husband may be bi? I need mature advice.?
the biggest question i would ask is why was this such a secret for a whole year. its okay have a fantasy about something. but its quite another to hide it for so long....however, i wonder if he really was trying to hide it. it didn't take you very long to find out how long he was doing this and if he really didn't want you to know then i think that he would have hid it better. it may be that this is just a fantasy and he was embarrassed about how to confide in you. opening up about taboos to anyone can be difficult. but you are his spouse the mother of his children, you live on a higher pedestal then everyone else. and your opinion of him matters more than anyone Else's.
give him some credit, he must be some kind of worthy if you married him and have been with him this long.I think my husband may be bi? I need mature advice.?
This is a very tough situation. I am not a psychologist, so I will just give you some of the thoughts that ran through my mind as I was reading.
1. Firemen have a lot of time on their hand in some places.
2. It is a little unusual for a straight man to be interested in this, but maybe it is more common than I know.
3. You may know where he is most of the time, but where there is a will, there is a way.
4. Have you ever caught him lying to you before about anything important?
5. I do not enjoy lesbian porn, do you?
6. I have gay friends, and there are no issues here.
7. I don't think there is any way to establish his honesty here short of a private eye. Of course he would say what he said. He wants his marriage and his kids.
8. A lot of gay people are talented and interesting. Maybe he just likes the unusual, forbidden aspect of it.
That's all I can offer, I wish I could be of more help. Good luck.
Personally I think I'd be a little upset if my s/o was ';chatting'; with other people on the internet, men or women, internet or in-person. I don't think you're naive to trust that he won't go out and cheat on you, but what I'm saying is that I would consider what he's already done to be somewhat like cheating.
Just be patient, don't fight you can talk about it easily and if so? its too late, so accept it.
Wow, that's a really interesting story. I've heard of down low man before. But if he says that he hasn't done anything, it is always possible that he is telling the truth. The best thing that I could tell you is to go with your instinct.
You threw up after finding out? Wow, that sounds like you are overreacting. Human sexuality is a complex thing. The most important thing is not who he might be attracted to sexually and not who he is fantasizing about but who he is he in LOVE with. It's clear to me that your husband loves you. Take it easy and try not to make a huge issue out of a relatively minor thing.
This is a tough situation and I'll tell you my story...
When I was about 12 I started discovering nude photos of men on my dads computer. Everytime I found them, I'd delete them, a week later, there'd be more. Delete again, and again and again. I got suspicious and confided in my aunt in England via email - she told me I was overreacting and to keep my nose out of it. This caused a major rift and I stopped speaking to her for 5 years. I dismissed my fears as over-reaction, must've been a computer virus or something like that, that caused all this gay porn to download on the computer. Oddly enough, my dad stopped letting me use his computer and got me one of my own. When I was 18, I was using his computer for a school assignment and up popped a messenger program with all sorts of contacts with explicit names, and very illicit messages from these contacts. I'm a little too nosy sometimes and snooped around the computer some and discovered nude/provocative photos of my dad. I was sick to my stomach. Remembering my aunts words though, I kept it to myself, it wasnt my business. It made me think of all the nights he was going out for ';beer and wings'; with the guys and the ';support group'; he was attending for those laid off from their jobs. I started to think that maybe there was more to this than what he was saying. It wasn't until I was 21 that my mum called me one day and said that my dad had moved out, he was going to live with a friend in the city (one which I knew was openly gay). I kept my suspicions to myself once again though. Several months after, my mum called me to her home one afternoon and told me that she had been packing up his belongings and came across a tube of KY lube in his briefcase. She had confronted him and he eventually 'fessed up to it all. At this point I came clean with the fears and suspicions that have sat in the pit of my stomach for nearly 10 years. It was a difficult time carrying this burden and now having to be strong for her sake while she fell apart. The same happened when I finally had to take on the burden of telling my brothers. It's now nearly 3 years later and I'm still having to pick up my mother everytime she falls apart emotionally. I've ended contact with my dad because I just can't handle anymore of it, too much resentment. He's living it up with his partner, buying properties in the caribbean and enjoying life without responsibility while I'm still picking up the broken pieces left lying around me.
This is no consolation to you in any way I know, but I strongly feel that if you are unsure in any way, you need to dig deeper and not silence yourself until the truth comes out. As hard as it may be, you've been married 4 years and life can move on should it be the worst case scenario. My mother was married nearly 30 years before all of this came to light. She has become so bitter towards men, we have good days, but the bad days seem to outweigh them sadly. She's so angry and depressed with her life now that everyone pays the price. She never wants to meet another man and although opportunity has presented itself with wonderful men, she will not let herself get over this betrayal. She's spends her days drinking, smoking and just generally being miserable.
I hope you find truth and peace and a happy ending.
Don't reject him now that he needs you.
And don't turn away from him and bar him from the bedroom -- that's totally unhelpful.
Okay, I don't know your husband or his values. I do know that I am predominantly gay and was married to my ex-wife eleven years before -- after years of denial and stuffing down my true affections -- I went into clinical depression.
She found me to be emotionally distant during that time, and her affections wandered. We did counseling, but when I tried to bring up the issue of sexuality, she did not want to deal with it at all.
She asked for a separation and a divorce. It took a great toll on both of us and our children feel the loss of not having me around them every day.
In all the years of our marriage, I never cheated on my ex-wife, though I had opportunity and was sometimes tempted.
I wanted to save our marriage, and looking back, if I had had (platonic) gay or bi friends to talk about my feelings with, I might have been able to cope and remain solid within our marriage.
By that I certainly don't mean having cyber sex or flirting with guys online. What I mean is simply having bi or gay friends. One group that has helped me a great deal is the Gay Christian Network, which is *not* a dating site but is an online (and IRL) community of gay Christians who seek to encourage and support one another. There is a special forum for people in ';Mixed Orientation Marriages';.
If your husband is that intrigued by chatting with gay guys online, I'd venture to say he is bisexual. Many men are.
But if he really, truly wants to be your husband -- don't just throw him out or reject him.
I would, instead, steer his interactions to GCN or some other bisexual support group, so he can talk about his feelings with others who understand.
Yet, if he is a man of honor -- he is perfectly able to remain faithful to you.
Again, I don't know you or him -- and surely you must both be careful with your feelings and your hearts -- but I'd say if he still finds you attractive, you have good reason to think he is able to remain your husband.
But he needs to be incredibly honest with himself and you. If he does really like guys more, then breaking up may be the best thing for both your sanity. But if he truly loves you -- your marriage can survive.
Also, I agree with the above answer that human sexuality is a very complex thing. Try not to get all offended and grossed out if he happens to like guys too. How is that, really, any different from a typical heterosexual husband still finding other women attractive? We are sexual creatures -- that is the simple truth. If you still deeply love each other -- love him for who he is, not for some fantasy. He is a real, flesh-and-blood human being who loves you and has chosen you. That counts for something.
Maybe he's bi. Maybe he likes men and women. But hey! Who has his hand in marriage? Who did he choose to spend the rest of his life with? You! And I think that if he was lying he would have denied everything altogether so I think he's telling the truth. The profile thing while you're married though, I don't know. It seems a little adulterous and just be honest with him about your feelings with his profile. Just don't be too judgmental because he might react by choosing to act on his fantasies because he feels rejected by you. But if you have an active sex life, that's proof enough that he still has the hots for you!
Good luck and listen to your heart!
yah i think he might just be a bit bi-curious.. and is living out his fantasy in the fairly safe and private environment of his own home.
if you are very sure that he has had no oppurtunity to meet up with these guys then thats a good sign, he probably hasn't.
but then again.. all u need to do is go on to craigslist or any other gay site and you'll find hundreds of married men looking for a man on the side.
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